Sunday, August 22, 2010

Cursive Handwriting

Dear Cursive,

You're going out of style, cursive. You need a change, a re-imaginng. A font face-lift.

Every school-child learns you about 8 times. Few will ever use you again, eventually forgetting you and then at that point, even if they want to, they can't use you.

Here's the problem, cursive. You're hard to read. That's good when playing poker, but bad when you are a handwriting. Yeah, you may be first-team all Texas Hold 'em, but you are cryptic communication, cryptic.

Cursive, I recently saw one sample of your work where I couldn't distinguish a's and u's. I wasn't sure if my friend was in a 'rut' or a 'rat,' and if they were in a rat, it would explain the hurried, sloppy handwriting but would leave other questions, such as how they had managed to get the letter to me and some more interesting existential questions about what it all meant and how exactly this was all happening. You may make letters more interesting, unintentionally, but that doesn't justify your cryptic-ness.

I have one word for you: standardization.

And I have one phrase for you: check yo'self before you wreck yo'self.

And I have one short story for you: but it's too long to share here.

And I have one open letter for you: this was it, dumdum.



Monday, August 16, 2010

Mexican Music that Features Trumpets or Sometimes Woodwinds

Dear Mexican Music that Features Trumpets or Sometimes Woodwinds,

Nothing says, 'Andale' like you do. Am I a fan? Who isn't?

The best news is I don't have to seek you out, you come to me like something that is attracted to something else, like maybe an insect to light or like rain to situations when we'd prefer to not have rain because that seems to happen a lot... There I am, walking on the sidewalk, and here you come, with each passing '88 Toyota truck, filling the air with your hand-clapping beats, your rhythm and your smoove-ness. It's the sound that announces, 'that man's stereo is working quite well if we are judging functionality on decibel level.'

Muchas Gracias. Y no me digas 'de nada' porque no es nada, lo que haces es algo muy grande.

Con sinceridad,

pedestrians everywhere

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Padded Resumes

Dear Padded Resumes,

You've inspired me:

James Littlejohn
"Everywhere you want to be"

Selected Work Experience

CEP - Chief Executive Patron, Taco Bell
1996 - present
I told an employee that their food was disgusting. Later, their food got a little better, effectively saving the company by "thinking outside the bun."

Head Adviser, Self
circa 1991 - present
Regularly schedule an entire human's life, including social and financial aspects.
Demonstrated quick-thinking, sometimes.
Experience with people, especially me.

Crime Prevention/ Security Guard, Self
1994 - present
Proactive, acute analysis and avoidance of potentially dangerous people and sometimes dogs.

Independent Automobile Conductor
2001 - present
Licensed by federal government to operate large, fast-moving, and potentially dangerous equipment.

Coach, Golden State Warriors
winters: 2000 - 2005
Advised and made suggestions and encouragement to struggling basketballers on court.


English - Yes
Spanish - A veces
French - Wee (with subtitles)
German - I can communicate with all Germans that speak English

Special Skills

- Media Consumption, Discrimination and Critique
- Culinary Consumption, Discrimination and Critique
- Typing - 500 words a second
- Elementary Motor Skills
- Resume Padding


Barack Obama, President, Number: (Call me and I'll ask him whatever you want to for him)