Sunday, December 12, 2010

NBA Player Names

Dear NBA,

Per capita, nothing competes with your collection of fantastic names. To name a few:

Sonny Weems
Samardo Samuels
DeMar DeRosen
Royal Ivey
Jamario Moon
Thaddeus Young
Jerryd Bayless
Jrue Holiday
Pops Mensah-Bonsu
Kryrlo Fesenko (Krih-lo Fah-sank-o)
Quincy Pondexter
Von Wafer

Your archive of retired player's names is stacked... Anfernee Hardaway... Fat Lever (FAT LEVER!!!)... Muggsy Bogues... and my all-time favorite, Sarunas Marciulionis (Sha-Rhu-Nus Marsh-a-lone-us) Even your All-stars have great names: Carmelo... Chauncey... Shaquille... Amar'e... Baron... .

NBA, you are more than an organization of sporting professionals, you are a catalog of the greatest names in World History. Who needs a baby-naming book when you have a basketball roster right in front of you? No one does.

Thank you.

PS - I dedicate this post to my future children: Pops, Thaddeus and Samardo

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Public Showers at the Beach

Dear Public Showers at the Beach,

You are my favorite place to shower in public. If it wasn't for you, I'd bring too much of the beach with me home, and I'd rather keep the beach where it is. Environmentalists speak of erosion, but I think a lot of beach "erosion" is from 300-pound men rolling around in the sand and accidentally taking a pound of it home in their back hair. I don't know what it is about sand, but you add it to sunblock residue and body hair and your skin just invented another recipe for glue. Fact: when carpenters want a smooth finish to their furniture, they ask un-showered beach-goers to sit on or cuddle with their wooden chairs and benches for a bit. If some beach people don't want to shower in public or they think your water's too cold, that's their prerogative. But if none of us had an option, that would be a disaster. Which is why we all want to thank you, public showers at the beach. We think of you just as highly as any other shower, even if you are the only ones we wear swimsuits in.


The Beach Community