Friday, May 20, 2011

Fastest Sperm in the Sea

Dear Fastest,

Yeah, I'm talking to you. If you are alive, you were the fastest sperm, beating billions to claim your title.

Here's where I get confused. Half of the time the you are a man sperm and half the time you are a woman sperm. Fact: sperm carry the gender chromosome. Male sperms don't win the race any more than female sperms, as evidenced by the fact that half the babies born are girls. It's a sprint and it's a gender tossup. Now, once you fastest sperm have grown up, it's the men sperms --now real men-- that have now become the fastest. It's not even close: the fastest women sprinters (and swimmers) can't keep up. This is scientifically improbably, that something just as fast before became so slow later. So... what happens down there?

There are only a few reasonable scenarios:

A. Women sperm aren't actually quite as fast but they have a better sense of direction and don't get lost and if they do are more willing to ask directions, thus enabling them to get to the egg and win.

B. Men sperm take too many risks on the journey, like riding motorcycles, and kill themselves off. Women sperm live longer.

C. At the egg, men sperm try and force their way in and are too aggressive, not understanding eggs want to have an emotional connection before a physical one... women sperm, of course, understand this better.

D. The perfect combo of all the above.

You know what I like about you, fastest sperm, you won fair and square. You weren't handed anything. There is no WNBA in human reproduction. The men and women sperm fight it out, no holds barred. Women sperm have broken the glass ceiling for... well, since the beginning of time.

Trying to understand,

Another Victorious Sperm

art from the funny Abi Harrison (

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Shameless Plugs

Dear Indirectly Shameless Plugs through the Condemnation of Shameless Plugs,

You know what I hate? I hate it when someone indirectly plugs something by saying they hate plugs. For example, if I said: I hate it when people plug their material... so I'm not going to tell you about my new book The Pusher coming out.

We all know what you are doing, you're just indirectly plugging your stuff by saying you hate plugs! I hate it when people do that, which is why I would never indirectly plug The Pusher by saying, "I hate plugs so I'm not going to plug my new and hilarious book The Pusher." I would never say that.

I'm not going to lower myself to that, neither directly nor indirectly.

And I would never post this video:

Never! Lastly, I would never hyperlink the place you can get it. That's tacky, and it's even worse when you do it by saying you won't do it.


An Observer of an Overdone Joke

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The War on Terror

Dear War on Terror,

You have cost over $1 trillion dollars.

What I would have done with the money instead:

- Build one indoor, heated Olympic-sized swimming pool in each county in Wyoming (23), hire world-class trainers and turn all cowboys into swimmers, ensuring our future success in the sport. Cost = $204 million. Money left = $999.8 billion.

- Move the state of Nebraska three feet to the right. Why? Just because. Cost = $930 million. Money left = $998.9 billion

- One year, in the month of July, institute a Free Taco Tuesday and Free Chalupa Wednesday at every Taco Bell (6,446 nationwide). Cost = $30.3 billion, assuming people eat a lot. Money left = $968.6 billion

- To improve education, buy the top 10% of Chinese students (about 6.5 million) and transfer them to the US and ship our worst 30% of students to Greenland. Cost = $250 billion in transfer, relocation and human trafficking fees. Money left = $718.6 billion

- One free movie ticket for every American to see Thor. Cost = $3.5 billion. Money left = $715 billion

- Buyout and shut down every Little Caeser's pizzeria because their pizza is disgusting. Cost = $80 billion. Money left = $638.6 billion

- Give every college student who graduated in Philosophy $25,000 to go back to school and get a degree that will enable them get a job. Cost = $12.5 billion. Money left = $626 billion

- Unlimited free puppies. Cost = $50 billion. Money left = $576 billion

- Launch an irrational war on the moon. Cost = $304 billion. Money left = $272 billion

- Eradication of acne from the West Coast. Cost = $67 billion. Money left = $205 billion

- Release all 1+ million US prisoners, buying each a plane ticket to Pakistan, with the reward that whoever killed Osama Bin Ladin would be given $1 billion and a plane ticket back to the US. Cost = negligible with all the money saved from not having prisoners anymore. Money left = $205 billion

- Offer each US citizen a "buy one Eiffel Tower, get the second one free" promotion. Cost = $43 billion. Money left = $162 billion

- Move Nebraska back to its original location to appease the rioters. Cost = $930 million. Money left = $161 billion

- Give the Make a Wish Foundation organization one wish. Cost = $1 million to $161 billion, depending on their level of greed. Money left = not sure, but whatever is there, I'm stealing at this point.

On second thought, that stuff isn't that good, I would have rather had some wars that killed tens of thousands of people.


Common Sense

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Catfish Hunter and Rollie Fingers

Dear Catfish and Rollie,

Each of you achieved a level of mustache excellence often imitated but never duplicated. Well done, pitching legends. Your facial hair has sprinkled baseball history with style and class.

One went up. One went down. Both stayed on top.

It's like I always say: you can take the mustache out of the man, but you can't take the man out of the mustache. Of course, what I always say makes absolutely no sense, but I still say it and I will continue saying it.

You played for the Oakland A's, the Athletics, but nothing proved your athleticism more than your use of the real estate between your lip and nose.

When your name is Catfish or Rollie, people expect great things from your face...

Thanks for not letting us down,

Aspiring Mustache-ateur