History Channel's "Mega Disasters"

Dear History Channel's "Mega Disasters" TV Show,

I've noticed your show is about the future, specifically, what could happen during a natural disaster in the future.

I also couldn't help but notice you, a show about the future -- or in other words fiction, is airing on the History channel.

The History channel is the only channel exclusively dedicated to things that have already happened. You are a show exclusively dedicated to things that have not happened and may never happen. Let me reiterate that. History channel = history. "Mega Disasters" = not history.

You blatantly contradict the channel that produces you. This would be akin to ESPN going out of its way to air a non-sport, like the Spelling Bee, or Music TV, MTV, going out of its way to promote anything but music, and we know these things would never happen.

Stay in your lane, History Channel.

Sincerely,

I-don't-have-a-Neilsen-box-but-my-opinion-should-still-count Television Watcher

Elementary School Valentine's Day

Dear Elementary School Valentine's Day,

I heart you.

You bring Superman and Batman to us on small cards, wishing us a kick-butt February 14. You bring us those tums-like chalk hearts with the all-caps phrases: B MINE, ONLY YOU, and GO GIRL. You bring pre-pubescent love to the forefront of public education.

Most importantly, you waste a day of school.

Thank you.

U R A 10,

The Childrens

Due Process and the Board Game Clue

Dear Concept of Due Process as Presented in the Board Game 'Clue',

You disregard our usual presumptions about crime and criminal investigation. Is this good? Maybe. But maybe not.

If I know Mrs. White killed somebody in the library, why does it matter whether or not I know it was with a lead pipe or a candlestick. Someone has been bludgeoned either way and you are worried about minutiae. Please, let's bring some common sense back to fictional murder investigation. Rope, revolver, or wrench -- they're dead and nothing will bring them back. Plus, the victim's head is now misshapen and we can't have an open casket... the whole thing makes me sick.

And why do we even care what room it was in? From now on, let's assume it was done in the room WHERE THE BODY WAS FOUND. If Peacock or the Colonel moved the body, we'll give credit where it is due -- they fooled us. But they didn't fool us on who did the dirty deed, and that's what counts.

And yet the purists will defend you, due process in the game 'Clue.' In a court of law, they'd say, you'd surely need a weapon and scene to pinpoint a killer. Well, if we are to be purists, we must do so in every sense of the investigation. Yet, in the very rooms of your mansions, in lieu of true investigation that turns to interrogation -- it is instead interrogation that pretends to be investigation. Citizens boldly accuse each other, without justified suspicion. It was Professor Plum! The scalawag did it in the lounge, I say! No, it was the billiard room! The billiard room! The knave used a knife! It could cut through a shoe -- I saw it on TV!

Due process in the game 'Clue' -- you have twisted an ugly distortion into our lives with your lies. The Parker Brothers did it, in the Family Room, with Dumb Rules as its weapon.

Sincerely,

Justice and Freedom... with a side of Freedom Fries and Just Ice

The 'Does Anyone Here Have Gum?' Guy

Dear 'Does Anyone Here Have Gum?' Guy,

A tad presumptuous, aren't we?

Let's imagine someone in the room does have gum. It's possible. In fact, in a room of more than a dozen, baker's or non-baker's, it's downright likely. Now, at what point did we get from, 'someone here may have gum' to 'I'd like that person to volunteer that they have gum with the intention of them offering it to me and then feeling like they need to offer it to everyone else in the room because it will be awkward if they don't'?

And yeah, that's exactly where you're taking this, 'does anyone here have gum' guy.

I mean, can you imagine this scenario:

'Does anyone here have gum?'

'Yeah, I do.'

The two look at each other, waiting. Until...

'Okay, cool, I was just curious.'

You'd get all upset, 'does anyone here have gum' guy. Suddenly, everyone else here is inconveniencing you. How could you be forced to live with the fact that you've ran out (if you ever did have any gum... but we'll give you the benefit of the doubt) and will now have nothing to stick under your chair or toss onto the ground in ten minutes once it loses its flavor?

And I know, I know, if you had gum you'd gladly offer it to anyone here. Great. Yet, it'd be equally presumptuous for me to expect you to. Did you consider that there are those of us who don't feel like asking everyone else in the room for gum when we don't have any?

No, you didn't.

Also, if you ever get gum disease, don't chime in at a party, 'Does anyone here have gum disease?'... we won't want to hear that question, either.

Sincerely,

Anti-Mooching Gum Association

The Latest Person to Be Clever with My Name

Dear Thousandth Person to Be Clever with My Last Name,

I understand the joke was new for you. Believe me, I do. You are very clever, just like everyone else. Remember the time you finished you witticism with, "you've probably heard that a thousand times..."?

Yeah, I have.

Why you went against your intuition and said it anyway, that I don't know.

Sincerely,

James INSERT JOKE HERE-INDUCING LAST NAME

Out-of-date Driver's License Pictures

Dear Out-of-date Driver's License Picture,

Remember the time you looked like me? I was 15, and I had just gotten a permit. Now, more than a decade later, your image is still my ID. When the government demands answers, your face attempts to provide them. Has this caused issues? Surely.

After all, we look nothing alike.

You were young. I am gray. I am wrinkled. Well, not yet, but someday I will be, and I'll have an out-of-date picture then too. Sometimes I feel older than every single picture of me...I'm not sure why though.

The other problem, of course, is you were taken during Arab-appreciation week and I happened to be wearing a turban in it. I also had a fake beard, although I can't pinpoint the exact reason for it. It's funny how life's minute details become so hazy to us now. I wouldn't even remember the beard if it hadn't been immortalized on a plastic card.

Indeed, I don't look exactly like you do. Different hair color...nose job...ear reduction...face tattoos. You have complicated my life, out-of-date driver's license.

When the government wants answers, you just give them plenty more to question.

I applaud your memory and curse your presence.

Sincerely,

My Current Face

// Forward Slashes //

Dear /,

As it turns out, for many years I have been incorrectly calling you a \. You aren't a \, you are a /.

It's embarrassing, but it's true. I've been saying H, T, T, P, colon, backslash, backslash, W, W, W, website name here for so long, when I should have been saying H, T, T, P, colon, forward slash, forward slash, W, W, W, website name here instead.

Wow.

And now that I've had time to think about this reverse directional name mix-hap, I've felt the error of my ways. I pause before saying backslash now. And let's face it, /, you are used much more often than your cousin, \.

And yet, with all due respect forward slash, I don't like calling you a forward slash. I prefer calling you a backslash because it saves me time. And the only reason I use you to begin with is to save time. So why should I call you forward slash when I can say backslash quicker. And to those who say: ' just call it a slash.' I respond: ' No gracias.'

Slash is boring. Backslash is funny. Forward slash takes to long.

Any slash worth anything is a backslash.

Sincerely///

Slashers