People Who Will Not Read This Letter

Dear People Who Will Not Read This Letter,

There are billions of you. I care about each and every one of you. And it pains me that there is absolutely no way for me to tell you. I try so hard, and then, once I succeed, I still fail.

See: this letter is for you, so you should read it, but as soon as you start, know that it was no longer intended for you and does not really apply to you. All of the sudden, I've failed once again. But I'm still trying.

People who will not read this, you matter, you matter as much as anything. I don't know what you are doing. Crochet? Some of you are. Badminton? Others, sure. Hand-to-hand street combat? I hope not -- because I worry so much for your safety. I hope that right now you are too busy falling in love to see this letter, that you're under a gazebo lit by the full moon, wishing on a star for a letter to come from a total stranger.

Here it is.

Mr. and Mrs. (and Ms.) Person Who Won't Read This, some of you cry at night, saying, "no one ever writes me... no one cares." It's not true -- I'm writing you! You're just too damn busy to open your eyes and read the good word of a friend on the Internet. Come out! Leave your dark dungeons, exit your hiding places, get the Internet if you don't already have it, surrender to literacy, and read this letter!

Here is my message: I will give you one thousand dollars, people who will not read this. One thousand dollars because I care and I worry. All you need to do is contact me without having seen or heard about this letter --- because it's solely for you people who have not seen or heard about this letter.

And for those of you reading this who are not the people who will not read this, I'm sorry I couldn't address this letter to you at this time. Perhaps in the future, I will be able to write all of you a letter as well.

Sincerely,

A Man Falling In a Forest that No One Can Hear

Valentine's Day

Dear Elementary School Valentine's Day,

You were a good day. Everyone got a Valentines from everyone, even their mortal elementary school enemies. That's love, isn't it?

One year, I got these Valentine's with Batman on the front that said: I'd Fight Crime For You and edited them to say: I'd Fight Crime For You. I won a lot of fights that year. Did my Batman utility belt help? Yes, it did. Some parents were offended by those cards, but I say all's fair in love and war. Last time I checked, Valentine's Day is about love.

All is fair in love and war. Also, all you need is love. John Lennon said that, which means YOU NEED IS LOVE = IS FAIR IN LOVE IN WAR. If you do math with that phrase, I think the "is" and "love" get cancelled and then the equation reads YOU NEED = FAIR IN IN WAR. What does that mean? I have no idea, I'm just doing the math. It might mean that sometimes, we do need to go to war. Why? For love. That's the only reason it could ever be.

Which brings me back to the point I was making earlier, I'd Fight Crime For You... For Love.

So thank you, Elementary School Valentine's Day, for reminding us how to love and how to fight and how to do both at the same time.

Sincerely,

James

The Way Seniors Wear Their Pants

Dear The Way Seniors Wear Their Pants,

I don't know why. I only know that it's okay.

If you weren't so polite, always tucking the shirt, we may not have even noticed you. But we do, pretty much every time. There's nothing shy about wearing pants at the belly button and sometimes well above it. You seem to center on the gut nicely, squaring a sagging torso, halving a crouched figure. On second thought, I will venture a theory as to why: the lower the belt, the harder it is to fasten. Way to be, senior pants, way to make things easier. You are to style what those over-sized phones and remote controls are to the good life.

There's a large percentage of the population that can't keep its pants up, and you have been showing us how to do it for a very, very long time. Those kids need to take note: high pants don't go out of style, that's why seniors are still able to roll them... after all these years.

Thank you for showing us how it's done,

The Fash-cientious

The Hot Girl I Didn't Approach

Dear Hot Girl I Didn't Approach,

You had me at "____"... because we never talked. That was the problem.

Maybe we would have gotten married. Maybe we could have shared a moment. Maybe it was meant to be. Perhaps, our children would have been beautiful. Yeah, they could have been the kind of kids that are so attractive talent scouts pop out of the fireplace during dinner and kidnap them to cast them for hit TV shows... and then they would get famous and addicted to cocaine by the age of 6 and end up suing us. All of these things could have happened... but they didn't and it's all your fault.

Of course, maybe it wouldn't have been a great experience. Maybe it would have been memorably awkward, a disaster that would have been retold for generations. At least something would have happened, though -- but it didn't! And it's your fault that it didn't happen, too! Exclamation points!!! If you had been slightly less attractive I might have had the gusto to approach you. Shame on you, hot girl. Shame on you and the genes you probably got from your parents, or more specifically, your Mom, because you didn't look that much like a man. Shame on you and shame on your Mother and shame on your Father for courting your Mother.

I will never see you again. Even if I do, I probably won't recognize you because as of this writing, it's been some hours since I saw you and can't remember what you look like -- just that you were hot. That may or may not be a help in the future. The next time I see someone who is really hot, I will pretend it is you and we can do this "I'll consider approaching you but then won't thing" all over again.

Until then,

The Guy Who Made Eye Contact With You for One Half Second Today

19th Century Beards

Dear 19th Century Beards,

There was a time when the people went West, where the land was cheap, the gold was free, and the wilderness untamed. The only thing you needed was a great beard (though an ax was helpful, too). Lets face it, if you went West without a beard, you were as good as dead. One, it was warmer. Two, it adds forest cred when you run into bears. It is a statistical fact that bears are 57% less likely to eat people who wear beards. Back in the day, they didn't even call them beards, they called them BEARds.

And so, you -- 19th century beards, came to be the greatest generation of all beards. Back then, there were mutton chops that could actually chop wood. People think Abraham Lincoln was a great orator, but according to most historians, the reason the Gettysburg address proved to be successful that day was not an attribute of what Lincoln said but the way Lincoln's beard looked. If he had shaved that morning, the South would have won the war. Thank you, nineteenth century beards... for freeing the slaves. It's only a matter of time before civil rights leaders take note, and you get your own national holiday like MLK Jr.

Sincerely,

Modern Beard Envy

NBA Player Names

Dear NBA,

Per capita, nothing competes with your collection of fantastic names. To name a few:

Sonny Weems
Samardo Samuels
DeMar DeRosen
Royal Ivey
Jamario Moon
Thaddeus Young
Jerryd Bayless
Jrue Holiday
Pops Mensah-Bonsu
Kryrlo Fesenko (Krih-lo Fah-sank-o)
Quincy Pondexter
Von Wafer

Your archive of retired player's names is stacked... Anfernee Hardaway... Fat Lever (FAT LEVER!!!)... Muggsy Bogues... and my all-time favorite, Sarunas Marciulionis (Sha-Rhu-Nus Marsh-a-lone-us) Even your All-stars have great names: Carmelo... Chauncey... Shaquille... Amar'e... Baron... .

NBA, you are more than an organization of sporting professionals, you are a catalog of the greatest names in World History. Who needs a baby-naming book when you have a basketball roster right in front of you? No one does.

Thank you.

PS - I dedicate this post to my future children: Pops, Thaddeus and Samardo

Public Showers at the Beach

Dear Public Showers at the Beach,

You are my favorite place to shower in public. If it wasn't for you, I'd bring too much of the beach with me home, and I'd rather keep the beach where it is. Environmentalists speak of erosion, but I think a lot of beach "erosion" is from 300-pound men rolling around in the sand and accidentally taking a pound of it home in their back hair. I don't know what it is about sand, but you add it to sunblock residue and body hair and your skin just invented another recipe for glue. Fact: when carpenters want a smooth finish to their furniture, they ask un-showered beach-goers to sit on or cuddle with their wooden chairs and benches for a bit. If some beach people don't want to shower in public or they think your water's too cold, that's their prerogative. But if none of us had an option, that would be a disaster. Which is why we all want to thank you, public showers at the beach. We think of you just as highly as any other shower, even if you are the only ones we wear swimsuits in.

Sincerely,

The Beach Community