PeOpLe WhO TYpE LiKE ThIS

Dear PeOpLe WhO TYpE LiKE ThIS,

Thank you.

Seriously, I appreciate it when I see that kind of typing, as it instantly tells me "you won't want to read this sentence."

I know instantly that if I persist and read the sentence, I'll be left with something like: OMG! JoBrOThRS aT thE TaNNinG SaLOn. And that's not a sentence I need to be reading. So thanks for the heads up.

I do wonder what the most intelligent thing that has ever been typed like that is... It would be interesting to run into a sentence like this: lEtS RUn a STaTiSTiCaL ReGResSiON!! or ThE MaRKeT'S liKE 2Nd BreAk EvEN POiNT iS iN tHe ThiRD QuArTER!! But I don't see it happening for some time.

Until then, thanks again for the advanced notice,

James

Girls Taking Pictures of Themselves From Above

Dear Girls Taking Pics From Above,

We get it. You have boobs... at least from this angle.

But guess what -- you don't see me holding my camera at my knees and taking pictures of myself. I'm not going around posting pictures trying to accentuate a bulge. And why don't I do it? Because that would be ridiculous.

And yet, I keep on seeing pictures like this:

Look ladies, don't expect guys to respect your opinion when you feel obligated to consistently volunteer what you look like from an NBA center's perspective. You are advertising lust and little else, so if that is not the message you want to be sending.... you should consider a change in lifestyle.

Sincerely,

Men

Epistemologists

Dear Epistemologists,

I think you've gone a little too far. Epistemology? Really? The study of knowledge... of knowing what we know? That just drips with intellectual arrogance. Knowledge alone isn't enough for you people, apparently that's a little too pedestrian for you. You're caught up studying the knowledge of knowledge.

And where's it going to stop? Are there going to be epistepistemologists, people who study how epistemologists know what they know about knowing?

Look, I know that you know that a lot of people know that knowledge is highly debatable, that infallibilism and indefeatability are unproven. And I know that you know that I know. But did you know that I know that you knew? No, of course you didn't, you idiot.

Epistemologists, come back down to earth. You need a vacation.

Sincerely,

Someone Who Doesn't Know What He Knows

People Who Want to Make This Country Safer

Dear Safety-Conscious Citizens,

Because Christmas is right around the corner, I'd like to share my feelings on gun control. You see, Christmas at my house doesn't begin until the clay pigeons come out. Partridge in a pear tree? Not for long -- we're gunning that partridge down and having a holiday feast. A lot of people dislike guns because they kill people. But so do bullets folks. If you want to legislate guns, you have to start legislating homicide, and that's a slippery slope my friends --a slippery slope indeed.

As for me, the debate starts where America started: on the frontier. I have some very close relatives, who on their own conscience, have decided to shun the commercials trappings of civility and live in the mountains. They eat meat. They don't kill for sport, but don't think for one second they couldn't. Anyway, last week one of my forest relatives who lives in a pine-needle lean-to, a man with nothing but the flannel on his back, sent me a very interesting text message. This text shared his frustration with the constant harassment from "rangers" for his gun permits. This man can barely read the second amendment, and here he is supposed to know about licenses. He got fined for shooting a bear and finishing the job with a bayonet because he lacked the proper documentation! Unbelievable.

Gun control is making America safer, for the bears who want to kill us all. This is bad form.

I know what you are thinking: what can I do to make a difference? How can I make America safer? I suggest showing your support for my family this holiday season by supporting your own families, giving them semi-automatics --the perfect stocking stuffer. And may we all be safe with our guns. There are plenty of psychos out there.

Sincerely,

A Fellow American

People Squinting

Dear People Squinting,

Let’s say you want to invest in your future. Sure, you could get an education. You could even build up your 401k. But when you want to get serious about your future, you get serious about eye protection. The sooner the better. You don't wait until you stank to spray the cologne or applicate the flaky white stuff -- you preempt the stank. What is true about armpits is true about eyepits. Face it -- when you take care of your eyes, your eyes take care of you.

That’s why Solar Shields is the only brand of eye style I endorse. It’s also the only brand endorsed by the AARP. That’s right, America’s Greatest Generation sports the Shields. They fought Nazis; now they fight cataracts. UV stands for ultra violent.Solar Shields provide 1,000% UV protection -- this prevents your eyes from melting. They also discourage photosynthesis in people with green eyes. (Believe me, I have green eyes -- they used to be busy reversing carbon emissions, but now they are on vacation and loving it).

Durable? They’re 1,000% plastic. Floatable? They’re 1,000% plastic. Comfortable? They’re 1,000% plastic -- you can liquefy, soften, and mold them to fit an ill-shapen head.

Bigger is better. Wrap that concept around your brain, your eyes, and your future.

Sincerely,

Someone with safe eyes

This Family...

Dear The Family in This Video,

(via Kids Crying at Disneyland blog)

Never before have terror and laughter blended so seamlessly.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

James

Fastest Sperm in the Sea

Dear Fastest,

Yeah, I'm talking to you. If you are alive, you were the fastest sperm, beating billions to claim your title.

Here's where I get confused. Half of the time the you are a man sperm and half the time you are a woman sperm. Fact: sperm carry the gender chromosome. Male sperms don't win the race any more than female sperms, as evidenced by the fact that half the babies born are girls. It's a sprint and it's a gender tossup. Now, once you fastest sperm have grown up, it's the men sperms --now real men-- that have now become the fastest. It's not even close: the fastest women sprinters (and swimmers) can't keep up. This is scientifically improbably, that something just as fast before became so slow later. So... what happens down there?

There are only a few reasonable scenarios:

A. Women sperm aren't actually quite as fast but they have a better sense of direction and don't get lost and if they do are more willing to ask directions, thus enabling them to get to the egg and win.

B. Men sperm take too many risks on the journey, like riding motorcycles, and kill themselves off. Women sperm live longer.

C. At the egg, men sperm try and force their way in and are too aggressive, not understanding eggs want to have an emotional connection before a physical one... women sperm, of course, understand this better.

D. The perfect combo of all the above.

You know what I like about you, fastest sperm, you won fair and square. You weren't handed anything. There is no WNBA in human reproduction. The men and women sperm fight it out, no holds barred. Women sperm have broken the glass ceiling for... well, since the beginning of time.

Trying to understand,

Another Victorious Sperm

art from the funny Abi Harrison (http://abiharrisoncomedy.com/)