Cursive Handwriting

Dear Cursive,

You're going out of style, cursive. You need a change, a re-imaginng. A font face-lift.

Every school-child learns you about 8 times. Few will ever use you again, eventually forgetting you and then at that point, even if they want to, they can't use you.

Here's the problem, cursive. You're hard to read. That's good when playing poker, but bad when you are a handwriting. Yeah, you may be first-team all Texas Hold 'em, but you are cryptic communication, cryptic.

Cursive, I recently saw one sample of your work where I couldn't distinguish a's and u's. I wasn't sure if my friend was in a 'rut' or a 'rat,' and if they were in a rat, it would explain the hurried, sloppy handwriting but would leave other questions, such as how they had managed to get the letter to me and some more interesting existential questions about what it all meant and how exactly this was all happening. You may make letters more interesting, unintentionally, but that doesn't justify your cryptic-ness.

I have one word for you: standardization.

And I have one phrase for you: check yo'self before you wreck yo'self.

And I have one short story for you: but it's too long to share here.

And I have one open letter for you: this was it, dumdum.


Sincerely,

Legibility

Padded Resumes

Dear Padded Resumes,

You've inspired me:

James Littlejohn
"Everywhere you want to be"

Selected Work Experience

CEP - Chief Executive Patron, Taco Bell
1996 - present
I told an employee that their food was disgusting. Later, their food got a little better, effectively saving the company by "thinking outside the bun."

Head Adviser, Self
circa 1991 - present
Regularly schedule an entire human's life, including social and financial aspects.
Demonstrated quick-thinking, sometimes.
Experience with people, especially me.

Crime Prevention/ Security Guard, Self
1994 - present
Proactive, acute analysis and avoidance of potentially dangerous people and sometimes dogs.

Independent Automobile Conductor
2001 - present
Licensed by federal government to operate large, fast-moving, and potentially dangerous equipment.

Coach, Golden State Warriors
winters: 2000 - 2005
Advised and made suggestions and encouragement to struggling basketballers on court.

Languages

English - Yes
Spanish - A veces
French - Wee (with subtitles)
German - I can communicate with all Germans that speak English

Special Skills

- Media Consumption, Discrimination and Critique
- Culinary Consumption, Discrimination and Critique
- Typing - 500 words a second
- Elementary Motor Skills
- Resume Padding

References

Barack Obama, President, Number: (Call me and I'll ask him whatever you want to for him)




Sincerely,

James

History Channel's "Mega Disasters"

Dear History Channel's "Mega Disasters" TV Show,

I've noticed your show is about the future, specifically, what could happen during a natural disaster in the future.

I also couldn't help but notice you, a show about the future -- or in other words fiction, is airing on the History channel.

The History channel is the only channel exclusively dedicated to things that have already happened. You are a show exclusively dedicated to things that have not happened and may never happen. Let me reiterate that. History channel = history. "Mega Disasters" = not history.

You blatantly contradict the channel that produces you. This would be akin to ESPN going out of its way to air a non-sport, like the Spelling Bee, or Music TV, MTV, going out of its way to promote anything but music, and we know these things would never happen.

Stay in your lane, History Channel.

Sincerely,

I-don't-have-a-Neilsen-box-but-my-opinion-should-still-count Television Watcher

Elementary School Valentine's Day

Dear Elementary School Valentine's Day,

I heart you.

You bring Superman and Batman to us on small cards, wishing us a kick-butt February 14. You bring us those tums-like chalk hearts with the all-caps phrases: B MINE, ONLY YOU, and GO GIRL. You bring pre-pubescent love to the forefront of public education.

Most importantly, you waste a day of school.

Thank you.

U R A 10,

The Childrens

Due Process and the Board Game Clue

Dear Concept of Due Process as Presented in the Board Game 'Clue',

You disregard our usual presumptions about crime and criminal investigation. Is this good? Maybe. But maybe not.

If I know Mrs. White killed somebody in the library, why does it matter whether or not I know it was with a lead pipe or a candlestick. Someone has been bludgeoned either way and you are worried about minutiae. Please, let's bring some common sense back to fictional murder investigation. Rope, revolver, or wrench -- they're dead and nothing will bring them back. Plus, the victim's head is now misshapen and we can't have an open casket... the whole thing makes me sick.

And why do we even care what room it was in? From now on, let's assume it was done in the room WHERE THE BODY WAS FOUND. If Peacock or the Colonel moved the body, we'll give credit where it is due -- they fooled us. But they didn't fool us on who did the dirty deed, and that's what counts.

And yet the purists will defend you, due process in the game 'Clue.' In a court of law, they'd say, you'd surely need a weapon and scene to pinpoint a killer. Well, if we are to be purists, we must do so in every sense of the investigation. Yet, in the very rooms of your mansions, in lieu of true investigation that turns to interrogation -- it is instead interrogation that pretends to be investigation. Citizens boldly accuse each other, without justified suspicion. It was Professor Plum! The scalawag did it in the lounge, I say! No, it was the billiard room! The billiard room! The knave used a knife! It could cut through a shoe -- I saw it on TV!

Due process in the game 'Clue' -- you have twisted an ugly distortion into our lives with your lies. The Parker Brothers did it, in the Family Room, with Dumb Rules as its weapon.

Sincerely,

Justice and Freedom... with a side of Freedom Fries and Just Ice

The 'Does Anyone Here Have Gum?' Guy

Dear 'Does Anyone Here Have Gum?' Guy,

A tad presumptuous, aren't we?

Let's imagine someone in the room does have gum. It's possible. In fact, in a room of more than a dozen, baker's or non-baker's, it's downright likely. Now, at what point did we get from, 'someone here may have gum' to 'I'd like that person to volunteer that they have gum with the intention of them offering it to me and then feeling like they need to offer it to everyone else in the room because it will be awkward if they don't'?

And yeah, that's exactly where you're taking this, 'does anyone here have gum' guy.

I mean, can you imagine this scenario:

'Does anyone here have gum?'

'Yeah, I do.'

The two look at each other, waiting. Until...

'Okay, cool, I was just curious.'

You'd get all upset, 'does anyone here have gum' guy. Suddenly, everyone else here is inconveniencing you. How could you be forced to live with the fact that you've ran out (if you ever did have any gum... but we'll give you the benefit of the doubt) and will now have nothing to stick under your chair or toss onto the ground in ten minutes once it loses its flavor?

And I know, I know, if you had gum you'd gladly offer it to anyone here. Great. Yet, it'd be equally presumptuous for me to expect you to. Did you consider that there are those of us who don't feel like asking everyone else in the room for gum when we don't have any?

No, you didn't.

Also, if you ever get gum disease, don't chime in at a party, 'Does anyone here have gum disease?'... we won't want to hear that question, either.

Sincerely,

Anti-Mooching Gum Association

The Latest Person to Be Clever with My Name

Dear Thousandth Person to Be Clever with My Last Name,

I understand the joke was new for you. Believe me, I do. You are very clever, just like everyone else. Remember the time you finished you witticism with, "you've probably heard that a thousand times..."?

Yeah, I have.

Why you went against your intuition and said it anyway, that I don't know.

Sincerely,

James INSERT JOKE HERE-INDUCING LAST NAME