Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Due Process and the Board Game Clue

Dear Concept of Due Process as Presented in the Board Game 'Clue',

You disregard our usual presumptions about crime and criminal investigation. Is this good? Maybe. But maybe not.

If I know Mrs. White killed somebody in the library, why does it matter whether or not I know it was with a lead pipe or a candlestick. Someone has been bludgeoned either way and you are worried about minutiae. Please, let's bring some common sense back to fictional murder investigation. Rope, revolver, or wrench -- they're dead and nothing will bring them back. Plus, the victim's head is now misshapen and we can't have an open casket... the whole thing makes me sick.

And why do we even care what room it was in? From now on, let's assume it was done in the room WHERE THE BODY WAS FOUND. If Peacock or the Colonel moved the body, we'll give credit where it is due -- they fooled us. But they didn't fool us on who did the dirty deed, and that's what counts.

And yet the purists will defend you, due process in the game 'Clue.' In a court of law, they'd say, you'd surely need a weapon and scene to pinpoint a killer. Well, if we are to be purists, we must do so in every sense of the investigation. Yet, in the very rooms of your mansions, in lieu of true investigation that turns to interrogation -- it is instead interrogation that pretends to be investigation. Citizens boldly accuse each other, without justified suspicion. It was Professor Plum! The scalawag did it in the lounge, I say! No, it was the billiard room! The billiard room! The knave used a knife! It could cut through a shoe -- I saw it on TV!

Due process in the game 'Clue' -- you have twisted an ugly distortion into our lives with your lies. The Parker Brothers did it, in the Family Room, with Dumb Rules as its weapon.


Justice and Freedom... with a side of Freedom Fries and Just Ice


  1. just ice? people who chew ice are sexually frustrated

  2. Dear Tyler,

    There are many things that could have been pointed out about this letter. I like that you stuck with the last two words. Just Ice does in fact refer to just in the sense of "Right" or "Correct" rather than "Only." Your diligence is appreciated.



  3. I couldn't agree more. Well, I could, but that would just be embarrassing.

  4. Dear Bryson D. Kearl,

    I find your agreement quite agreeable.

    Stay thirsty,

    Blog Writer