Monday, January 3, 2011

19th Century Beards

Dear 19th Century Beards,

There was a time when the people went West, where the land was cheap, the gold was free, and the wilderness untamed. The only thing you needed was a great beard (though an ax was helpful, too). Lets face it, if you went West without a beard, you were as good as dead. One, it was warmer. Two, it adds forest cred when you run into bears. It is a statistical fact that bears are 57% less likely to eat people who wear beards. Back in the day, they didn't even call them beards, they called them BEARds.

And so, you -- 19th century beards, came to be the greatest generation of all beards. Back then, there were mutton chops that could actually chop wood. People think Abraham Lincoln was a great orator, but according to most historians, the reason the Gettysburg address proved to be successful that day was not an attribute of what Lincoln said but the way Lincoln's beard looked. If he had shaved that morning, the South would have won the war. Thank you, nineteenth century beards... for freeing the slaves. It's only a matter of time before civil rights leaders take note, and you get your own national holiday like MLK Jr.


Modern Beard Envy


  1. I think you're onto something here...maybe this explains the Oxi-clean guy's career. Wrong century I guess but still.

  2. Very astute point. It's hard to sell on TV without pronounced facial hair.