Wednesday, September 28, 2011


Dear Terrorists,

I know your strategy. Instill fear, make us nervous, scare us. If we are afraid, you win. If I am afraid to fly... you win.

That's why I'm not afraid to fly. In fact, I fly all the time. I even crash the planes I fly (which is easy because I'm not a trained pilot) just to prove that I'm not afraid of flying. I do it regularly. Nothing phases me anymore, terrorists. I refuse to let you win.

And that's why I'm not afraid of a pipe bomb under my car. How do I know I'm not afraid? I put a pipe bomb under my car just last week. NBD. You hear that? NBD. I'm not afraid of blowing up in my vehicle because I've already been down that road. Baby, that don't phase me.

Do I fear the public water supply being contaminated with biological weapons? Let me answer that question with a question of my own: if I was afraid would I poison my own neighborhood's water? Of course I wouldn't.

Sorry terrorists, but this is one battle you can't win. I have no fear.* Your tactics will not affect my life.

However, I do need to find a new car... and go to the hospital... and find a way to pay for those planes.


The UnTerrorizable Man

*Literally, I own the shirts.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Bloggers In Search of Awards

Congratulations Bloggers,

You have each just been awarded the:
Yes, the BLOG EXISTS AWARD! Who gets the Blog Exists Award? Only the best blogs that exist, that's who.

So, if you are a blogger, and your blog exists, here's what you do to claim your prize:

1. Right click and save this meticulously-designed button award and post it on your blog.
2. Give me free publicity.
3. Repeat No. 2.
4. Give out the Blog Exists Award to everybody you know who blogs.

Pretty easy, huh? Not only that, but it's a lot of fun!

The next time somebody "leaves little something for you at their place"*... you can only hope it's this award. There are hundreds of other fictional blog awards out there, but this is the only one that's been designed by yours truly, and thus, the only one that benefits me, and thus, the only one that matters.


Committee for the Awardmentation of Blogs That Exist Everywhere

*Anyone else a little creeped out by this phrase? If somebody said this in the movies, I'd expect the character who "went over to their place" to get shot or raped.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

People Considering Bowling

Dear Bowling Public,

The perfect score in bowling isn't 300.

Scoring 300 would imply that you bowl often, and bowling often is bowling too much. The perfect bowling score is about 130. That means you don't bowl very often, maybe once or twice a year, which is certainly not enough to get really good. And bowling rarely, if ever, that's perfect.

What do I have against bowling? It's just another one of those sports (see: badminton, tether ball) where being a winner is pretty close to being a loser. The sports are fine as rare recreation, but once you start taking those sports seriously, you start losing my respect.

Demetri Martin once remarked, ""I heard this guy say to his friend, 'Man, I'm really good at checkers.' Which is the same as saying, 'Man, I'm not good at a lot of things. I stink at everything except checkers.'" Sorry bowlers, you are the checker players of the sports world.

So, you want to get a perfect score?

Don't shoot for 300, bowling public.... perfection has never been so flawed.



Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Now That's What I Call Music!

Dear NOW!,

Will you ever stop?

You're up to Volume 39 (39!) in the USA... Volume 79 (79!) in the UK... you've even put 23 damn albums in Portugal. Leave the Portuguese alone! They have enough problems as it is.

We get it; you and your obnoxious exclamation points are really successful... people purchase you. But 79 Volumes? Is that necessary? Your absurd number of Volumes is starting to appear condescending and arrogant. Please, give it a break, Now That's What I Call Music!

It seems that your musical mission is to catalog every overplayed song, combining them for a final assault on my ears. Take a decade off. Come back in the 2020s if you must, but I'm currently weary of your ways.

Being the best of the worst doesn't make you great.


All Exhausted of Pop Music