Sunday, November 21, 2010

the Kids I Played Heads-Up 7-Up with

Dear Kids I Played Heads-Up 7-Up with in School,

It's time I came clean. I'm a cheater.

Remember how I got 65 people in a row one time? I wasn't a third-grade God. Far from it. Allow me to explain the method. Hiding in my arms with open eyes, I looked over the edge of my desk at your shoes as you touched my thumb and then I'd look at your shoes as you stood in front of the class and pin point you via footwear. What about when you touched me from way behind? I used mirrors, cameras, spies... whatever it took, really. One game I hypnotized a kid to get him to talk. You probably don't remember that because I then had to hypnotize the rest of the class and the teacher to make them forget. It's not something I'm proud of.

I come from a long line of Heads-Up 7-up champions. My Dad and Uncle were All-Americans. My grandmother's nickname was, "that lady really good at heads up 7 up." My great-grandfather even invented 7-up. My great-great-great-grandfather invented heads. Before him, people didn't have heads, just skulls, history often forgets about that but it's true, look it up. There was a lot of pressure on me to keep up the family tradition. I'm not trying to make excuses here, but at the same time I am. Okay, that's exactly what I am doing. But if you had been in my shoes you would have done the same thing. You should have been in my shoes regardless because it would have made it harder for me to pick you out if you had changed shoes mid-game.


A disgraced champion

Friday, November 12, 2010

Justin Bieber, of Bieber Fever Fame

Dear Justin Bieber,

Please stop spreading the Bieber fever. It's an epidemic.

I know one girl who got Bieber fever, now all the paint in her room is ruined because she put up too many posters and did it very hastily. Who's going to pay for that, Justin? Are you? I sure hope so. I surely do. But this isn't just about ruining paint, this is about America. I've been told you are from North North Dakota, sometimes called Canada. I don't like it one bit. And I'll tell you why.

All the sudden Bieber fever comes --from the great north-- as we inch closer to socialized medicine, which came from.... the great north. Coincidence? Not likely. I don't care what you think about socialized medicine -- we all know it leads to longer lines at the ER. Now, look what happens. Bieber fever strikes right as the lines at the ER hit record lengths, people can't get treated fast enough, and people start dying right there in the hospital waiting room. I've seen it happen with my own two eyes. It's a subtle plan - come to our country to spread a fever while simultaneously weakening health care's infrastructure. Baby, baby, baby, ohh? Yeah, you better start singing to the babies while you still can. At the rate you are killing little girls with your fever, pretty soon there won't be any more babies in this country, which is exactly what you wanted, wasn't it?

Go back to North North Dakota.


Bieber Fever Vaccine Seeker