Wednesday, February 29, 2012

the Unemployed

Dear Unemployed,

You may not be unemployed. You may be something else. Figure out which you are:

- Disemployed: You were employed but a distant relative of somebody at the company you were working at needed a job and your boss felt pressured to replace you with an act of nepotism.

- Underemployed: You were previously employed under morons and quit. Or you were employed under an automobile and the jack broke and you got crushed and have been in a hospital bed ever since.

- Inunemployed: You are a type of unemployment that's very difficult to pronounce, mostly because you were fired because you mumbled at work and nobody could understand you.

- Preemployed or Unpayployed: You are unemployed at an a place that's hired you as an unpaid intern. Technically, you have a job, except the difference is you can't afford to buy food.

- Betweemployed: You are very optimistic and like to frame your unemployment as being "between jobs" even though you don't know when that other job is coming. Good for you.

- Subemployed: You were laid off as a submarine worker. That's been a tough industry ever since the end of WWII. Of course, when business is exploding, that can be literal too, so it's not all bad that business is slow.

- Contraemployed: You are unemployed but not looking. For whatever reason, you are against working at all, which is increasingly unfortunate the more capitalistic the country you reside in.


The Economy

How to Nail a Job Interview

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


Dear Spoiler on the Back of that Honda,

Thank you for keeping that car safe.

Without you, when that Honda starts pushing 250 MPH on the freeway, that car would be in tremendous peril, capable of spinning out, flipping over or getting airborne any second.

Thank you, spoilers, for giving everyday drivers that sense of security they need by providing downward thrust.

Some contend that you are simply for stylizing. While it is true you can make cars look super cool, we all know your real purpose. Science. And safety.


Another Appreciative Driver

Science. And safety.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

George Foreman

Dear George Foreman,

This letter isn't about your grill. It's about your 10 children. Five of them are boys. All five are named George. They all have the same middle name too.

Thank you for doing something I would never think would be done.

I sure hope nobody at your house has a lazy eye though, as that would cause serious mayhem. You would never know who was talking to who.

Either way, I bet everyone in your family is crazy. And that you would make great reality TV.


Somebody who will give their kids different names

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Over Highlighting

Dear Over Highlighter,

We all know that to accent, point out, or call attention to a certain part of any type of written document, highlighting has become the favorite choice of many. Although other methods are available, that simple bright yellow background stands out amongst competitors, literally.

But what you, Over Highlighter, are doing, qualifies as abuse. You rush through papers, casually highlighting everything as if everything were important. By the time you reach the end of the page only a sparse few words are left untouched.

You are not a highlighter, you are a lighter.

By the time you have finished you will not be able to really tell anything. Just like when you started, nothing stands out.

The only thing you have managed to accent was your own foolishness.



Don't Highlight Everything Please