Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Drug Free Zones


Dear Drug Free Zones,

Thanks for keeping cocaine out of our parks and putting cocaine where it belongs: just outside of our parks, across the street. I know I don't want marijuana near our schools; I prefer that it be kept to the neighborhoods not nearby our schools.

Without you, Drug Free Zone, we would not know that we can't have drugs in certain places. True, drugs aren't technically allowed anywhere, but it is nice to reinforce the concept. Since I home-school my fictional children, I have made my house an official Drug Free School Zone, sign and all:

No drugs in my house are allowed. I am also making my house a:

- "Murder Free" Territory

- "Rape Is Not Okay" Place

and a

- "Music Sharing Does Not Violate Copyright Law As Long As The Artist is Dead" Joint

And let me tell you, ever since I put up said signs clarifying my position on already illegal activities, rapes and murders in my house have plummeted. If you want to take your rape and murder outside my house, so be it, but it will not be tolerated as long as you are under my roof. Oh, and don't ever forget: no drugs either.

Sincerely,

Keeper of the Grounds

31 comments:

  1. So, that explains a lot. I was wondering why my home crime rate was on the rise. I need to get me some signs!

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  2. lol love the sarcasm. i should put a sign up and see what people do haha

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  3. Murder and Crack have been a big problem in my house... I wonder if I should make a sign. :)

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  4. Love the state gov drug laws. Just say no over here.

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  5. My house is drug-and murder free, too.

    Hehe... yes...

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  6. if every home followed your example then we would not have any drugs/rapes/murders!
    well, with the exception of homeless people, but you can fix that with a homless-free sign i guess?

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  7. well, good for you bro :P!
    good example for all of us

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  8. I am sure you will get a discount if you bulk order the signs. Where do I purchase them?

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  9. BTW...made you blog of the day.

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  10. Burning a hoot at the top of the swirly slide or on the swings is the best place though! What does it matter if it's night time and there's no kids around?

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  11. I don't think I've ever been to a "drug free zone."

    Now, a "free drug zone," that's a different story.

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  12. I have just found your blog and this post made me laugh so much that a little coffee came out of my mouth and down my front, not to mention the little bit of urine that also came out... (not from my mouth clearly!)but you don't really need to know that!

    Very funny!

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  13. thats okay, we can still rob ur place right?

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  14. So. Damn. Funny. Best one yet.

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  15. Drugs should be gone away from children zones!

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  16. I remember those signs. My favorite was the Nancy Reagan commercial. Or better yet the guy with the egg. "This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs."

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  17. If only signboards could change the world, life would be perfect :D

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  18. :D haha...my house is porn free...lol
    stupid signs!

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  19. Hot plates? Does your house take hot plates?

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  20. There is a 'alcohol' free zone sign on some of the roads in our street, and also a 'no loitering sign', but I never hang around long enough to see if anyone is taking notice....

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  21. I bow in deference to your genius, truly.

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  22. We have drawn hard lines in our home, as well. We went old school banning burglary and assault, as well -- Haha
    But seriously, I have never understood those zones. Does that mean it is legal outside of those zones? No. Then what is the purpose of the zone? I do not know!
    :-)
    Traci

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  23. Your hilarious, not a lot makes me laugh, but just burst out laughing reading your post,love it.

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  24. Haha "rape free zone", awful, but genius. While we are on it, why not add a "No Affliction T-Shirt Area". That would improve the communities of Amuurica vastly. Love your random blog!

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  25. Haha, man, you are so right on this one! +1

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  26. That sign would deffenetly stop me from doing drugs in the school zone!

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