Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Epicanthic Folds

Dear Epicanthic Folds,

I wish my eyes had you.


1. Sleep. I have a hard time falling asleep. It's called insomnia. It's the worst disease ever -- with all the other diseases they tell you to get some rest... with insomnia, it's not so easy. If my eyes were already naturally closer to being shut, things would likely be a lot easier for me. I'm guessing.

2. Positive Stereotypes. Is there a race with more positive stereotypes? Asians are smarter. Asians are good at math. Asians are good at Dance Dance Revolution. Okay, DDR isn't really a positive stereotype, but still, it's not that bad.

3. Karaoke. It wouldn't seem so weird that I do kind of like Karaoke.... at least watching it.


My Eyes

Human Tetris has nothing to do with this letter. Nothing

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Little League

Dear Little League,

I remember the year the coaches stopped pitching and the kids started pitching. That was the year I started getting hit with the ball. And then I started being afraid of the ball.

I think my batting average went from .759 to about .195, a precipitous drop to say the least.

Or maybe it wasn't the kids pitching that threw me off. It could have the slow abandonment of chants, such as "Hey, Batter Batter, Hey Batter Batter, Swing" or "First Base Look at Me, I'm a Monkey in a Tree," and of course -- "We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher!"

Yeah, on second thought, I think that was what it was.


Little Leaguers Just Like Me

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Spanish Soap Operas

Dear Spanish Soap Operas,

Thank you for showing us the limits of human drama. You are to story and plot what the speed of light is to physics -- you can not be surpassed or exceeded. If I want to write a story that is crazier than a Spanish Soap and I succeed, the universe would explode or something. (I don't understand science.)

Father's cheating on Mothers with children's spouses' pets? Only you can do that.

Children in wheelchairs regularly falling down wells? Not out of the question.

Elderly serial killers with never-ending sexual appetites? Go for it, Spanish Soap.

Thank you for never letting believability get in the way of a story,


PS - Because I speak Spanish ([upsidedownexclamationpoint]DE VERDAD!) I decided to dub some Spanish Soaps to give those of you who don't understand the language some perspective on what I'm writing about:

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Women's Shoulder Pads

Dear Shoulder Pads,

Thanks for making it harder for me to get a job.

When I used to go into business interviews against women, I always thought my broad shoulders presented my most distinct advantage. But once you came around, I lost my edge. Damnit.

Shoulder pads, you really level the playing field. Sometimes I see people, thinking, "I don't think that women has the testosterone she'll need to survive in this business environment," but then she puts on a blazer and those exact same people are like, "never mind."

Curved shoulders are cliche. Straight shoulders are straight up awesome.

Thank you, women's shoulder pads, thank you indeed.