Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Powder Puff Football

Dear Powder Puff Football,

I like you. Every year the junior and senior girls at my high school faced off in the Powder Puff Championship. It was a nice competitive event that required practice, physical toughness, and males willing to put on skirts to become the cheerleaders.

I enjoyed the way you gave that one girl who had always been a little short for her weight, yet 6’ 5”, a chance to shine in front of the whole school. She was that really nice girl who seemed to have gotten more genes from her dad's side. It was as if she'd been bred her entire life for that game. For many years she probably felt uncomfortable with her size, at times a little out of place, and then comes along a game seemingly created for her to dominate. And dominate she did, hammering petite valley girls filling in at running-back and tight end. Then on offense, she'd create holes offensive coordinators dream of. Maybe she'd never score or throw a touchdown, but she'd leave the field in a wake of bruises and broken nails. It was the classic underdog story, played out every year by an atypically large underdog.

Not all the spectators pay attention to your subtle footnotes such as these, but some do. I remember one particular year, when the game ended and our hero walked off the field with her head held high, I noticed a cheerleader who was also overcome by emotion as mascara ran down his face.

It was a powerful image, one that has been seared into my memory ever since.

Thank you.


A Fan

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Protesters in Trees

Dear Protesters in Trees,

We all know that in today’s world, forests are being cut down at incredible rates to meet consumer demands for paper plates, cardboard boxes, and baseball bats.

Thank you for fighting the fight to save the trees not from the halls of congress or through well-organized boycotts, but by simply choosing to live in them. It's true: the best way to stop a tree from being cut down is to be in one.

You have plenty of faith and plenty of conviction and plenty of patience (there's only so much you can do in a tree). You have much to admire. In fact, I ask if we have more to learn from you.

What would happen if your sit-down intrusion style of protesting carried on to other controversial issues? Let's say... air pollution.

Maybe your same tree sitting idea would work on the freeway. All the people who hate pollution and want cars to stop using roads could go and sit on the freeway and 4 in the morning when there is hardly any traffic and then as the cars come they would have to stop and then think about the consequences of their dirty commute. I bet lots of people would ditch their cars right there, guilt overcoming their conscience. And if the cars don’t see the people in time and run over them, it would definitely be the driver’s fault -- for recklessly killing an innocent protester exercising their first amendment rights.

It might work just as well to promote Gun Control. It sure would be hard to go and shoot at the local range if you see a smiling, tie-dye shirt wearing, bearded 35-year-old man jump in between you and the target.

You tree sitters might be on to something, the power of the space that a human body occupies is great. And let that be a lesson to us all.


A Man Not as Valiant as You

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

"That's The Best Part!"

Dear Person Who Says "But That's The Best Part!",

No, the cartilage joints of this chicken bone are not the best part. That would be the meat, the part I ate.

"But That's The Best Part"-Person, I know you get off being a culinary rebel, one characterized by extreme hate of wastefulness and being unusually proud, but you don't have to force it on the rest of us. You go ahead and eat the orange peels, shrimp tails, steak grizzle, and chicken leg cartilage we leave behind.

We know you get joy out of digesting things no one else does. It's nice that your humility makes you feel so proud. Congratulations.

We know you just want to make a point -- which is that you will eat pretty much anything you can and pretend to like it. Well, point made.


Non-Chicken-Cartilage Consumer

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Fake Plants

Dear Fake Plants,

Thank you for providing the beauty of nature without any of the environmental benefits. I'm getting tired of all that fresh air regular plants have been spewing. It's so nice to look at a tree with the comfort of knowing it doesn't need dirt or water.

You know what I'd like? Fake animals, that's what. A nice, fake plastic dog. It would look nice, same as a regular dog, but I wouldn't have to feed it or pick up its feces. That's what I need. That's man's real best friend: plastic dogs.

And then I could get a fake cat and a fake turtle and a fake bird. Fake plants, you are onto something. Maybe someday our civilization will be so advanced, we'll even be able to have fake children and stuff. All the beauty - none of the work. That's what we need.


Somebody Stuck Inside