Wednesday, August 31, 2011

South Sudan

Dear South Sudan,

A belated congratulations to you, the newest nation on earth. Now that you've been a country for a little over a month, allow me to make a suggestion: a name change.

South Sudan? Really? That's not very creative, and that I say, is a bad way to start your history. We already have Sudan, but you're better than them (remember how you broke off?), and you need a name to prove it. When you take your name from your former country, and simply put a cardinal direction in front, you are giving us reason to think you aren't as good, that you are just another appendage country.

If you are going to put Sudan in your country name, grow a pair and do something bold by calling yourself: Better Sudan, Newer Sudan, or Verified on Twitter Sudan

But that's not your only option. According to Wikipedia, your capital is Juba. That would have been a good country name. Juba -- it rolls right off the tongue and into places my imagination dreams to go. Some of your other city names: Rumbek, Yambio or Raga would have been sick, too. Or how about something interesting like Country? That would be hilarious. Would I ever forget a country named Country? No, I wouldn't; I would applaud it vigorously.


Map Glancers Everywhere

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Drug Free Zones

Dear Drug Free Zones,

Thanks for keeping cocaine out of our parks and putting cocaine where it belongs: just outside of our parks, across the street. I know I don't want marijuana near our schools; I prefer that it be kept to the neighborhoods not nearby our schools.

Without you, Drug Free Zone, we would not know that we can't have drugs in certain places. True, drugs aren't technically allowed anywhere, but it is nice to reinforce the concept. Since I home-school my fictional children, I have made my house an official Drug Free School Zone, sign and all:

No drugs in my house are allowed. I am also making my house a:

- "Murder Free" Territory

- "Rape Is Not Okay" Place

and a

- "Music Sharing Does Not Violate Copyright Law As Long As The Artist is Dead" Joint

And let me tell you, ever since I put up said signs clarifying my position on already illegal activities, rapes and murders in my house have plummeted. If you want to take your rape and murder outside my house, so be it, but it will not be tolerated as long as you are under my roof. Oh, and don't ever forget: no drugs either.


Keeper of the Grounds

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

My Appendix

Dear Appendix,

It's about time you got off this ship. Look, my body doesn't give free rides to organs that don't pull their weight. If you don't believe me, just ask my extra kidney. On a Monday I heard I didn't need two - on a Tuesday I pulled that sucker out. When I found out I could live with one lung, I sent the right one packing.

So am I glad you started screaming, making you presence known, buckling my abs? Yes, yes I am. I was tired of pulling your lazy butt through my life, anyway. Your infection just expedited your eventual exit. You're like a little brat at Disneyland, crying on vacation. Hey little brat, we didn't have to take you on this trip - in fact, we'd be enjoying ourselves more if you weren't here. Don't think for one second we need you; you're an expendable parasite.

Same goes for you, organs. So you better get with the program because this train waits for no one.


My Body
1 of 3 scars that almost look like tribal tattoos

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Dear People Who Text,

There are times to text and times to not text.

- You should never text at a party, because that is rude, unless you are texting, 'this party is so much fun I can't text you anymore.'

- You should never text while driving, because that is dangerous, unless you are texting, 'I'm driving so I can't text you anymore.'

- You should never text while driving your car into a lake, because phones aren't waterproof and the warranties don't cover that sort of damage. When you go to your wireless service provider and try to tell them it just broke, they will take off the back cover and show you that the sticker changed color. Then you're screwed.

- You should never text a land line, because that does not work, unless the land line you are texting is some type of telegram/morse code thing, because maybe that would work.

- You should never text someone who does not own a phone, because then they can't text you back, and that's just plain mean. Likewise, you shouldn't text someone who does not have fingers, as it may seem like you are gloating.


Committee for the Advancement of Texting Decency and Etiquette

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Extreme Sports Inventors

Dear Extreme Sports Inventors,

Let's be a little more creative. I haven't seen many new, truly extreme sports for quite some time.

For example: Baseball. Do we ever see extreme baseball? No. How can we make it extreme? Let's make it free base cocaine ball, and every player has to play while high. Doc Ellis threw a no-hitter on LSD, so I can only see this improving the game. Or how about instead of regular ice skating and ice hockey, we start having guys play on black ice.

Here are some more:

Whirlwind Surfing

Whirlwind Surfing would take wind surfing into hurricanes and other dangerous ocean weather, creating probably the best sport of all-time, unless we start seeing:

Mudslide Wrestling

Finally, all the sluts can get on the extreme sports bandwagon. Quick everybody, this hill is about to collapse due to torrential rain, let's organize the greatest wrestling match ever seen.


This sport would take the pedestrian sport of canoe-ing and make it awesome by simply putting it in an active volcanoe. I'm not into most paddle sports, but I'd watch this.

Come on, sports inventors, get your act together.