Thursday, March 7, 2013

The Rich and the Poor and Everyone In Between

Dear Rich and Poor and Everyone Else,

Wealth inequality is a huge problem. But the reality is that you probably don't understand the truth behind wealth inequality. Watch and learn:



Monday, January 21, 2013

Manti Te'o

Dear Manti Te'o,

Your story is pretty crazy. In fact, it's really crazy. Is it the craziest thing I've ever heard? Probably.

If it is true that you were Catfished, I have a feeling you won't fall for the same mistake again. First things first -- from now on, don't meet girls on Twitter. Or on Facebook, or anywhere you can't see the human being who is interacting with you. Yes, finding girls in the real world is more work, and a slightly bigger challenge. I think you can handle it though.

Just in case you need some more tips, here's a helpful and instructive video on the subject of How to Get a Girlfriend.

You're Welcome.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."

I've been seeing a quote for some time: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure..." After great reflection, I've decided there are a few things I'm more afraid of than being powerful beyond measure. One of them is being eaten. By bears, rabbits, other human beings... anything really. In fact, the less intimidating the creature, the more horrific the death would certainly end up being. Being eaten by sharks would last minutes. Being eaten by ants? It would take weeks before they finished off just my calves. Terrifying. I am more afraid of being eaten by ants than being all powerful. Another fear is forgetting things, big things. What if one day I lost my cell phone, forgot all the passwords to my accounts, and forgot where I lived? Horrific. I'm so embarrassed to ask strangers for help I'd probably end up driving around aimlessly, wishing I'd bought a GPS and hoping to stumble into the right neighborhood, until I after a couple hundred of miles on surface streets I eventually ran out of gas, where I would then be forced to park and sleep in the back of my car until the proper authorities found me. It could take months. Yeah, maybe it is unlikely I forgot all that stuff on the same day, but it can't be any less likely than becoming powerful beyond measure. There are probably other things that I fear more too -- never being able to fall asleep again, getting hit by an airplane, becoming lactose intolerant, etc... I could go on, but I guess my point is when I really think about it, I'm not all that afraid of being powerful beyond measure. I guess I'm just weird.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Ancient Ruins

Dear Ruins,

Keep your head up. Yeah, you've seen better days, but people like how ruined you are. That's a big part of the appeal, apparently. Nice ruins? Stupid. Nobody wants those. I like my ruins looking so bad they barely resemble anything at all, just strewn about chunks of former building and stone. If the Sphinx had a nose right now, I take a chisel to its face and then say "You're Welcome."

That's just how I roll.


A Ruiner

How to Ruin Ancient Ruins

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

the Unemployed

Dear Unemployed,

You may not be unemployed. You may be something else. Figure out which you are:

- Disemployed: You were employed but a distant relative of somebody at the company you were working at needed a job and your boss felt pressured to replace you with an act of nepotism.

- Underemployed: You were previously employed under morons and quit. Or you were employed under an automobile and the jack broke and you got crushed and have been in a hospital bed ever since.

- Inunemployed: You are a type of unemployment that's very difficult to pronounce, mostly because you were fired because you mumbled at work and nobody could understand you.

- Preemployed or Unpayployed: You are unemployed at an a place that's hired you as an unpaid intern. Technically, you have a job, except the difference is you can't afford to buy food.

- Betweemployed: You are very optimistic and like to frame your unemployment as being "between jobs" even though you don't know when that other job is coming. Good for you.

- Subemployed: You were laid off as a submarine worker. That's been a tough industry ever since the end of WWII. Of course, when business is exploding, that can be literal too, so it's not all bad that business is slow.

- Contraemployed: You are unemployed but not looking. For whatever reason, you are against working at all, which is increasingly unfortunate the more capitalistic the country you reside in.


The Economy

How to Nail a Job Interview

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


Dear Spoiler on the Back of that Honda,

Thank you for keeping that car safe.

Without you, when that Honda starts pushing 250 MPH on the freeway, that car would be in tremendous peril, capable of spinning out, flipping over or getting airborne any second.

Thank you, spoilers, for giving everyday drivers that sense of security they need by providing downward thrust.

Some contend that you are simply for stylizing. While it is true you can make cars look super cool, we all know your real purpose. Science. And safety.


Another Appreciative Driver

Science. And safety.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

George Foreman

Dear George Foreman,

This letter isn't about your grill. It's about your 10 children. Five of them are boys. All five are named George. They all have the same middle name too.

Thank you for doing something I would never think would be done.

I sure hope nobody at your house has a lazy eye though, as that would cause serious mayhem. You would never know who was talking to who.

Either way, I bet everyone in your family is crazy. And that you would make great reality TV.


Somebody who will give their kids different names