Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Way Seniors Wear Their Pants

Dear The Way Seniors Wear Their Pants,

I don't know why. I only know that it's okay.

If you weren't so polite, always tucking the shirt, we may not have even noticed you. But we do, pretty much every time. There's nothing shy about wearing pants at the belly button and sometimes well above it. You seem to center on the gut nicely, squaring a sagging torso, halving a crouched figure. On second thought, I will venture a theory as to why: the lower the belt, the harder it is to fasten. Way to be, senior pants, way to make things easier. You are to style what those over-sized phones and remote controls are to the good life.

There's a large percentage of the population that can't keep its pants up, and you have been showing us how to do it for a very, very long time. Those kids need to take note: high pants don't go out of style, that's why seniors are still able to roll them... after all these years.

Thank you for showing us how it's done,

The Fash-cientious

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Hot Girl I Didn't Approach

Dear Hot Girl I Didn't Approach,

You had me at "____"... because we never talked. That was the problem.

Maybe we would have gotten married. Maybe we could have shared a moment. Maybe it was meant to be. Perhaps, our children would have been beautiful. Yeah, they could have been the kind of kids that are so attractive talent scouts pop out of the fireplace during dinner and kidnap them to cast them for hit TV shows... and then they would get famous and addicted to cocaine by the age of 6 and end up suing us. All of these things could have happened... but they didn't and it's all your fault.

Of course, maybe it wouldn't have been a great experience. Maybe it would have been memorably awkward, a disaster that would have been retold for generations. At least something would have happened, though -- but it didn't! And it's your fault that it didn't happen, too! Exclamation points!!! If you had been slightly less attractive I might have had the gusto to approach you. Shame on you, hot girl. Shame on you and the genes you probably got from your parents, or more specifically, your Mom, because you didn't look that much like a man. Shame on you and shame on your Mother and shame on your Father for courting your Mother.

I will never see you again. Even if I do, I probably won't recognize you because as of this writing, it's been some hours since I saw you and can't remember what you look like -- just that you were hot. That may or may not be a help in the future. The next time I see someone who is really hot, I will pretend it is you and we can do this "I'll consider approaching you but then won't thing" all over again.

Until then,

The Guy Who Made Eye Contact With You for One Half Second Today

Monday, January 3, 2011

19th Century Beards

Dear 19th Century Beards,

There was a time when the people went West, where the land was cheap, the gold was free, and the wilderness untamed. The only thing you needed was a great beard (though an ax was helpful, too). Lets face it, if you went West without a beard, you were as good as dead. One, it was warmer. Two, it adds forest cred when you run into bears. It is a statistical fact that bears are 57% less likely to eat people who wear beards. Back in the day, they didn't even call them beards, they called them BEARds.

And so, you -- 19th century beards, came to be the greatest generation of all beards. Back then, there were mutton chops that could actually chop wood. People think Abraham Lincoln was a great orator, but according to most historians, the reason the Gettysburg address proved to be successful that day was not an attribute of what Lincoln said but the way Lincoln's beard looked. If he had shaved that morning, the South would have won the war. Thank you, nineteenth century beards... for freeing the slaves. It's only a matter of time before civil rights leaders take note, and you get your own national holiday like MLK Jr.


Modern Beard Envy