Saturday, March 19, 2011

3D Movies

Dear 3D Movie,

You are quite clever, 3D, the way you can pop out of the screen, hurtling shards of glass at my face. You're the novelty that keeps on giving.

Though, I have to confess something. After about twenty minutes, I decided I'd rather watch a blurry 2D version of you instead of the head-ache-inducing 3D version. I was the one in the front who threw my glasses at the screen and yelled, "not worth the money." I was the one who left early. I was the one who asked the teenager at the concessions for an Advil.

When I go the movies, I don't want to have to wear glasses. You wear glasses when you want to do something intelligent, like read. If I wanted to read, I wouldn't be at the movies.


"Next Time I'll Pass"

Monday, March 7, 2011

Mort, A Victim of Circumstance

Dear Mort,

It's been some time since I last wrote, and I apologize for not being a better friend. It's amazing how life always seems to get busier and busier. As I was sitting in my study today, it occurred to me that I have yet to formally apologize to you for that time I shot you in the leg. I'm sorry. I really mean that. I do not, of course, mean that I feel any regret about my actions. I still believe I made the right decision, but I am sorry that it had to happen. I am very sorry that you felt it was necessary to continue tickling me when I strongly asked you to stop. I know you thought it was funny, surely, I understand your point of view here... but I could barely breathe. If I had not happened to be packing heat at the time or been quick enough on the trigger, I may have suffocated. And that's not a laughing matter. You should know better. We're two grown men. I gave up tickling other men years ago. That said, I do so wish you would return my calls. It seems that the only person I can get a hold of in your family is your brother-in-law, the attorney. In fact, he keeps calling me. I don't really know him well at all, though, and I am not actively looking for new friends. So if you see him any time in the near future, you can tell him I don't care much for his attempts at fraternization and he can stop calling.

Your old friend,


Thursday, March 3, 2011

The Admissions Board

Dear Admissions Board,

It's hard for me to share my entire life story in just 500 words. I also find it daunting that you've left the door open a bit by suggesting the essay comes in 500 words or less. When I read that we could write less than 500 words, I immediately started wondering if that's your way of hinting that that is actually what you would prefer. If it was what you were trying to say, I must add that it was quite the sly way of doing it, and you would do well in dinner conversations that involve code, ciphers, and double entendre and such. Anyway, I researched the topic, but was unable to find any definite answers about your preferred word count. Most web sites suggest brevity and relevance to topic in these sorts of personal essays. I decided that was the only advice that I would need and left it at there! So, I can't definitely say how many words it will take me to summarize my life. All I can say, is that not one single word will be wasted... no matter the quantity or quality of aforementioned words. You know, it’s funny, though, the way words have a way of saying so much about a person. I think it’s quite astute of you to encourage them (words) as the means to convey (tell) one’s (an individual's) story (tale). You could have insisted on a short silent film, a dramatic portrait, or some other medium that didn’t involve any words at all. But you wanted words. So that’s what I’m going to do, use words. Now, one thing you should know about me, however, is that if you change your mind and don’t want a written essay, I could pop out some nice works of art that explain very clearly where I came from, where I am going, and where I have been in the meantime. It would be a very large portrait though, perhaps bordering on mural-size because of the girth and depth of the story behind it. This would be, of course, quite complicated to pull off as an admissions board. You would have to find plenty of empty wall space near freeway overpasses for the mural. I think I would do well in this type of environment, not because I am a great artist, but because I am comfortable around freeways. The noise bothers some people, but not me. I love the nice constant buzz of air pollution. The truth is, I’m hard to distract once I’m focused, in a zone, facing the challenges put in front of me. It’s been that way ever since my uncle’s unexpected death and my unexpected incarceration regarding the incident, which was eventually all sorted out. Just some miscommunication between me and the police, most of it stemming from my poor handwriting. They misread my praise of their job for a confession! Anyway, looks like I’m already at 500 words. You should definitely let me in -- I’m great.


The Next Student in Your English Doctorate Program (hopefully!)