Mort, A Victim of Circumstance

Dear Mort,

It's been some time since I last wrote, and I apologize for not being a better friend. It's amazing how life always seems to get busier and busier. As I was sitting in my study today, it occurred to me that I have yet to formally apologize to you for that time I shot you in the leg. I'm sorry. I really mean that. I do not, of course, mean that I feel any regret about my actions. I still believe I made the right decision, but I am sorry that it had to happen. I am very sorry that you felt it was necessary to continue tickling me when I strongly asked you to stop. I know you thought it was funny, surely, I understand your point of view here... but I could barely breathe. If I had not happened to be packing heat at the time or been quick enough on the trigger, I may have suffocated. And that's not a laughing matter. You should know better. We're two grown men. I gave up tickling other men years ago. That said, I do so wish you would return my calls. It seems that the only person I can get a hold of in your family is your brother-in-law, the attorney. In fact, he keeps calling me. I don't really know him well at all, though, and I am not actively looking for new friends. So if you see him any time in the near future, you can tell him I don't care much for his attempts at fraternization and he can stop calling.

Your old friend,

James