Sunday, November 21, 2010

the Kids I Played Heads-Up 7-Up with

Dear Kids I Played Heads-Up 7-Up with in School,

It's time I came clean. I'm a cheater.

Remember how I got 65 people in a row one time? I wasn't a third-grade God. Far from it. Allow me to explain the method. Hiding in my arms with open eyes, I looked over the edge of my desk at your shoes as you touched my thumb and then I'd look at your shoes as you stood in front of the class and pin point you via footwear. What about when you touched me from way behind? I used mirrors, cameras, spies... whatever it took, really. One game I hypnotized a kid to get him to talk. You probably don't remember that because I then had to hypnotize the rest of the class and the teacher to make them forget. It's not something I'm proud of.

I come from a long line of Heads-Up 7-up champions. My Dad and Uncle were All-Americans. My grandmother's nickname was, "that lady really good at heads up 7 up." My great-grandfather even invented 7-up. My great-great-great-grandfather invented heads. Before him, people didn't have heads, just skulls, history often forgets about that but it's true, look it up. There was a lot of pressure on me to keep up the family tradition. I'm not trying to make excuses here, but at the same time I am. Okay, that's exactly what I am doing. But if you had been in my shoes you would have done the same thing. You should have been in my shoes regardless because it would have made it harder for me to pick you out if you had changed shoes mid-game.


A disgraced champion


  1. Do you happen to work for the Men in Black now?

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