Monday, February 21, 2011

People Who Will Not Read This Letter

Dear People Who Will Not Read This Letter,

There are billions of you. I care about each and every one of you. And it pains me that there is absolutely no way for me to tell you. I try so hard, and then, once I succeed, I still fail.

See: this letter is for you, so you should read it, but as soon as you start, know that it was no longer intended for you and does not really apply to you. All of the sudden, I've failed once again. But I'm still trying.

People who will not read this, you matter, you matter as much as anything. I don't know what you are doing. Crochet? Some of you are. Badminton? Others, sure. Hand-to-hand street combat? I hope not -- because I worry so much for your safety. I hope that right now you are too busy falling in love to see this letter, that you're under a gazebo lit by the full moon, wishing on a star for a letter to come from a total stranger.

Here it is.

Mr. and Mrs. (and Ms.) Person Who Won't Read This, some of you cry at night, saying, "no one ever writes me... no one cares." It's not true -- I'm writing you! You're just too damn busy to open your eyes and read the good word of a friend on the Internet. Come out! Leave your dark dungeons, exit your hiding places, get the Internet if you don't already have it, surrender to literacy, and read this letter!

Here is my message: I will give you one thousand dollars, people who will not read this. One thousand dollars because I care and I worry. All you need to do is contact me without having seen or heard about this letter --- because it's solely for you people who have not seen or heard about this letter.

And for those of you reading this who are not the people who will not read this, I'm sorry I couldn't address this letter to you at this time. Perhaps in the future, I will be able to write all of you a letter as well.


A Man Falling In a Forest that No One Can Hear

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day

Dear Elementary School Valentine's Day,

You were a good day. Everyone got a Valentines from everyone, even their mortal elementary school enemies. That's love, isn't it?

One year, I got these Valentine's with Batman on the front that said: I'd Fight Crime For You and edited them to say: I'd Fight Crime For You. I won a lot of fights that year. Did my Batman utility belt help? Yes, it did. Some parents were offended by those cards, but I say all's fair in love and war. Last time I checked, Valentine's Day is about love.

All is fair in love and war. Also, all you need is love. John Lennon said that, which means YOU NEED IS LOVE = IS FAIR IN LOVE IN WAR. If you do math with that phrase, I think the "is" and "love" get cancelled and then the equation reads YOU NEED = FAIR IN IN WAR. What does that mean? I have no idea, I'm just doing the math. It might mean that sometimes, we do need to go to war. Why? For love. That's the only reason it could ever be.

Which brings me back to the point I was making earlier, I'd Fight Crime For You... For Love.

So thank you, Elementary School Valentine's Day, for reminding us how to love and how to fight and how to do both at the same time.