Monday, February 21, 2011

People Who Will Not Read This Letter

Dear People Who Will Not Read This Letter,

There are billions of you. I care about each and every one of you. And it pains me that there is absolutely no way for me to tell you. I try so hard, and then, once I succeed, I still fail.

See: this letter is for you, so you should read it, but as soon as you start, know that it was no longer intended for you and does not really apply to you. All of the sudden, I've failed once again. But I'm still trying.

People who will not read this, you matter, you matter as much as anything. I don't know what you are doing. Crochet? Some of you are. Badminton? Others, sure. Hand-to-hand street combat? I hope not -- because I worry so much for your safety. I hope that right now you are too busy falling in love to see this letter, that you're under a gazebo lit by the full moon, wishing on a star for a letter to come from a total stranger.

Here it is.

Mr. and Mrs. (and Ms.) Person Who Won't Read This, some of you cry at night, saying, "no one ever writes me... no one cares." It's not true -- I'm writing you! You're just too damn busy to open your eyes and read the good word of a friend on the Internet. Come out! Leave your dark dungeons, exit your hiding places, get the Internet if you don't already have it, surrender to literacy, and read this letter!

Here is my message: I will give you one thousand dollars, people who will not read this. One thousand dollars because I care and I worry. All you need to do is contact me without having seen or heard about this letter --- because it's solely for you people who have not seen or heard about this letter.

And for those of you reading this who are not the people who will not read this, I'm sorry I couldn't address this letter to you at this time. Perhaps in the future, I will be able to write all of you a letter as well.


A Man Falling In a Forest that No One Can Hear


  1. Dude. I'm making this go viral. FOR THE GOOD OF ALL PEOPLE it has to.
    Uh, when I say viral, I mean I'm going to retweet this to my twits and to be honest not many people follow me but I will do what I can for you AND THE PEOPLE. That's the kinda guy I am.

  2. Outstanding! dbs sent me. I'm glad he did.

  3. Dear Dave, thank you.

    Dear dbs, much appreciated, we need this to get out to all the people who will never see it as soon as possible!

  4. Er, sorry man, I guess my twitter blitz fizzled. But Vinny C came. He's a cool guy. You're going to like him.

  5. Even though this wasn't for me... I read it. Well done.