Sunday, August 8, 2010

Padded Resumes

Dear Padded Resumes,

You've inspired me:

James Littlejohn
"Everywhere you want to be"

Selected Work Experience

CEP - Chief Executive Patron, Taco Bell
1996 - present
I told an employee that their food was disgusting. Later, their food got a little better, effectively saving the company by "thinking outside the bun."

Head Adviser, Self
circa 1991 - present
Regularly schedule an entire human's life, including social and financial aspects.
Demonstrated quick-thinking, sometimes.
Experience with people, especially me.

Crime Prevention/ Security Guard, Self
1994 - present
Proactive, acute analysis and avoidance of potentially dangerous people and sometimes dogs.

Independent Automobile Conductor
2001 - present
Licensed by federal government to operate large, fast-moving, and potentially dangerous equipment.

Coach, Golden State Warriors
winters: 2000 - 2005
Advised and made suggestions and encouragement to struggling basketballers on court.


English - Yes
Spanish - A veces
French - Wee (with subtitles)
German - I can communicate with all Germans that speak English

Special Skills

- Media Consumption, Discrimination and Critique
- Culinary Consumption, Discrimination and Critique
- Typing - 500 words a second
- Elementary Motor Skills
- Resume Padding


Barack Obama, President, Number: (Call me and I'll ask him whatever you want to for him)



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