Open Letters

Dear Open Letters,

Who do you think you're fooling? The persons you are addressed to never read you. Even if they knew about you, they probably wouldn't read you. But they don't know about you... because you didn't specifically send it to them. See, letters are meant to be sent to addresses, which enables the addressee to see the letter. It's a system that has been developed over the years with the aide of the post office and it's proven remarkably effective.

Which is easier? Writing a letter to your neighbor and delivering it to him? Or writing an open letter to your neighbor and walking outside and shouting that you wrote an open letter and hope that your neighbor heard you? I'm going with the former, because my neighbor is extremely loud, so much so that they'd never hear me shouting -- in fact, the letter that I was writing him was concerning his inappropriate decibel levels. (And the letter contained a strongly worded paragraph about his stubborn refusal to read my open letters on my blog and how that bothered me so.)

Open letters -- we're all open to the idea of ignoring you. So that's what we'll continue to do.

Sincerely,

Closed Letter Writers Everywhere

Persons Photographing Themselves with a Cell Phone in the Bathroom, Shirtless

Dear People Photographing Themselves in the Bathroom, Shirtless, with a Cell Phone,

You're doing life wrong. If someone wanted to see you in a pic without your shirt on, someone would have volunteered to take the picture. But no one did. That's why you're taking it of yourself... in a bathroom mirror. Instead of using the phone as a camera, you should take it and call a friend who can talk you out of it, the conversation will sound something like this --

"I've got the camera phone... and I'm kind of naked..."
"Put it down, slowly."
"But I feel so vulnerable right now... no one even comments on my profile pictures..."
"Stop flexing."
"But..."
"Please, we love you, we don't want you to do this to yourself. This affects the people around you. Also, the lighting is never good in these shots and they aren't particularly flattering, especially if the phone has a flash and here's that random bright white spot in the middle. And it's even worse when people don't Windex their mirrors properly and then sometimes we can see the spots, so just don't do it, okay?"

When you're ready to be photographed, someone will find you.

Sincerely,

Quiet Dignity

the Man With Two Teeth

Dear Man with Two Teeth,

Minimalism... well played. Easy to clean. Easier to floss. Easiest to love. I'm not sure if you've given up on impressing people, but if you have -- that's impressive. Don't ever consider dentures -- you've got all you need already.

Sincerely,

A Distant Admirer

Somali Pirates

Dear Somali Pirates,

In weighing your unpopularity during an era of unprecedented pirate popularity, I have a few suggestions for your public relations representative.

- Eye Patches. You don't have them -- old pirates did. If we are going to get on your side, we need some reasons to do so. Sad accidents never hurt this; by wearing eye patches you'd be able imply a horrible eye-gouging accident... and this creates sympathy. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "sure, he's pillaging ruthlessly, but I'm sure he comes from a challenging upbringing, I mean, he's missing an eye and such... who am I to judge?" Make us think that.

- Go Carribean. Indian Ocean pirating is not romantic. More importantly there has never been a successful movie franchise called, "Pirates of the Indian Ocean." Part of this is because of Disneyland, which isn't your fault at all, but part of it is basic syntax -- it's more awkward to say Indian Ocean than Caribbean.

- Ships, not boats. I don't care how effective an outboard engine motor boat may be -- you need ships. Cannons don't fit on boats made from tin cans and trust me, cannon balls are in. Just go to the local pool: Kid who does an missile/torpedo/WMD into the pool = lame. Kid who does a cannon ball = always in style.

You guys are barely pirates. You don't look the part and you don't act the part. When you're going to pirate, you go all out. No one wants a "vampire" who doesn't drink blood and no one wants a "pirate" without a peg leg. Your popularity will catch up to your pirate ancestors when you start gouging some eyes and sawing some knees. I don't mean to be gross here, that's just the reality.

Be your best. Be something we can be for Halloween.

Sincerely,

Seafarers and Land-wanderers