Saturday, September 4, 2010

Somali Pirates

Dear Somali Pirates,

In weighing your unpopularity during an era of unprecedented pirate popularity, I have a few suggestions for your public relations representative.

- Eye Patches. You don't have them -- old pirates did. If we are going to get on your side, we need some reasons to do so. Sad accidents never hurt this; by wearing eye patches you'd be able imply a horrible eye-gouging accident... and this creates sympathy. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "sure, he's pillaging ruthlessly, but I'm sure he comes from a challenging upbringing, I mean, he's missing an eye and such... who am I to judge?" Make us think that.

- Go Carribean. Indian Ocean pirating is not romantic. More importantly there has never been a successful movie franchise called, "Pirates of the Indian Ocean." Part of this is because of Disneyland, which isn't your fault at all, but part of it is basic syntax -- it's more awkward to say Indian Ocean than Caribbean.

- Ships, not boats. I don't care how effective an outboard engine motor boat may be -- you need ships. Cannons don't fit on boats made from tin cans and trust me, cannon balls are in. Just go to the local pool: Kid who does an missile/torpedo/WMD into the pool = lame. Kid who does a cannon ball = always in style.

You guys are barely pirates. You don't look the part and you don't act the part. When you're going to pirate, you go all out. No one wants a "vampire" who doesn't drink blood and no one wants a "pirate" without a peg leg. Your popularity will catch up to your pirate ancestors when you start gouging some eyes and sawing some knees. I don't mean to be gross here, that's just the reality.

Be your best. Be something we can be for Halloween.


Seafarers and Land-wanderers

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