Dear Military Time,
Stop adding extra math to my life. When someone says '14 Hundred Hours' I have to think, '14 minus 12 equals 2 -- it's 2.' When someone says 'it's 2' I think -- 'it's 2.' Granted, the benefit of military time is it takes away the pm or am at the end... but I think it's pretty easy to decipher whether or not it's a pm or am time by if the sun is out. If you aren't sure if it's 3 pm or 3 am, look at where the sun is and if you get glaucoma you must be in the afternoon.
Just when I thought the worst thing the military could do was invade my country without an exit strategy or maybe kill me, you had to come and bring your way of telling time.
Military time, why don't you do us a favor and stand 'at ease' and by 'at ease' I mean -- go away.
Sincerely,
Another person who hates subtracting by 12
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
the Drive-Thru Guy at Carl's Jr.
Dear Drive-Thru Guy at Carl's Jr.,
Remember the time I gave you exact change? Remember the time that change fell through your fingers? Remember when you asked me if I could get it?
Somewhere between that moment and the moment I was on my knees, halfway under my idling auto groping for 43 cents, I realized what my life had become. Perhaps you sensed my frustration.
But sometime after the change was collected and paid, and I was long since gone, something else changed... in me. Maybe, I thought, there are worse things than crawling under your car for pennies. Maybe there are people who don't have their own car to crawl under... people who have to crawl under other people's cars for coins... or people who have to crawl under their bicycle for coins... or under other people's bicycles. Maybe there are places where people have to get out of their cars to eat at restaurants. Maybe these sad places do exist. Maybe there are places where the cement outside the restaurant is unpaved. Places with Drive-Thrus that are dead ends. Maybe there are places where the restaurants don't have food. Places where the sink doesn't have water. Places where the drinks don't have liquid. Maybe it is that way. Maybe things aren't so bad.
Some people may tell you that the large gaps between your fingers are a genetic defect. But could a defect that serves as a catalyst of gratitude be a defect after all? Of course not. Thank you Carl's Jr. man. Thank you for not being great at what you do.
Sincerely,
A Formerly-Disgruntled-and-Now-Satisfied Customer
Remember the time I gave you exact change? Remember the time that change fell through your fingers? Remember when you asked me if I could get it?
Somewhere between that moment and the moment I was on my knees, halfway under my idling auto groping for 43 cents, I realized what my life had become. Perhaps you sensed my frustration.
But sometime after the change was collected and paid, and I was long since gone, something else changed... in me. Maybe, I thought, there are worse things than crawling under your car for pennies. Maybe there are people who don't have their own car to crawl under... people who have to crawl under other people's cars for coins... or people who have to crawl under their bicycle for coins... or under other people's bicycles. Maybe there are places where people have to get out of their cars to eat at restaurants. Maybe these sad places do exist. Maybe there are places where the cement outside the restaurant is unpaved. Places with Drive-Thrus that are dead ends. Maybe there are places where the restaurants don't have food. Places where the sink doesn't have water. Places where the drinks don't have liquid. Maybe it is that way. Maybe things aren't so bad.
Some people may tell you that the large gaps between your fingers are a genetic defect. But could a defect that serves as a catalyst of gratitude be a defect after all? Of course not. Thank you Carl's Jr. man. Thank you for not being great at what you do.
Sincerely,
A Formerly-Disgruntled-and-Now-Satisfied Customer
Monday, October 4, 2010
the Illiterate
Dear People Who Can't Read,
Recent studies show that America's rate of literacy is declining. Other studies argue the trend will not only continue, but worsen. You probably didn't see these studies because they were published in the written word, although rumors of a pending audio file addressing the studies are circulating.
Take it from someone who recently learned to read -- invest in some Dick and Jane books. Reading is important. In fact, I've found that learning to read has really bolstered my writing career. For too long I was writing but had no idea what I had written after the fact. Granted, I once took pride in being labeled as the "most prolific illiterate author of my generation" it wasn't until I started reading that I saw the statement in context and realized it was actually meant to be somewhere between a backhanded compliment and thinly veiled insult. As it turns out, one of my first books didn't have any punctuation, which made for a quicker read, sure, but it was arguably confusing.
Personally, I gained an appreciation for reading by watching movies. I've watched a lot of movies... probably too many. Did you know that they make movies in other countries now, too? You probably didn't. Here's the catch -- some of them aren't in English. They actually write the dialogue out on the screen. It's quite novel -- in fact, it's bit like a novel. Imagine a short book with pictures and occasional explosion sound effects. In the last few months I've read some really good movies. I really can't recommend them highly enough.
We need to be reading. And not just movies. Books. Magazines. Newspapers. Road signs. Even propaganda -- before we can dismiss it we need to give it a good read-through. Forget that old-fashioned, spoken hyperbole you are used to -- the most interesting propaganda is coming out in print these days. And that's not even just the subtitles on posters; I'm talking about entire paragraphs of lies.
For the handful of you reading this who may be literate, I encourage you to help those who can not yet read. Allow me to give some practical advice. When you meet someone who can't read, do what I do -- gift them a strongly worded pamphlet on the importance of literature or write them an open letter on the Internet. Change doesn't just happen, we have to do our part. You can't just wait around hoping people teach themselves.
Sincerely,
The Literate
Recent studies show that America's rate of literacy is declining. Other studies argue the trend will not only continue, but worsen. You probably didn't see these studies because they were published in the written word, although rumors of a pending audio file addressing the studies are circulating.
Take it from someone who recently learned to read -- invest in some Dick and Jane books. Reading is important. In fact, I've found that learning to read has really bolstered my writing career. For too long I was writing but had no idea what I had written after the fact. Granted, I once took pride in being labeled as the "most prolific illiterate author of my generation" it wasn't until I started reading that I saw the statement in context and realized it was actually meant to be somewhere between a backhanded compliment and thinly veiled insult. As it turns out, one of my first books didn't have any punctuation, which made for a quicker read, sure, but it was arguably confusing.
Personally, I gained an appreciation for reading by watching movies. I've watched a lot of movies... probably too many. Did you know that they make movies in other countries now, too? You probably didn't. Here's the catch -- some of them aren't in English. They actually write the dialogue out on the screen. It's quite novel -- in fact, it's bit like a novel. Imagine a short book with pictures and occasional explosion sound effects. In the last few months I've read some really good movies. I really can't recommend them highly enough.
We need to be reading. And not just movies. Books. Magazines. Newspapers. Road signs. Even propaganda -- before we can dismiss it we need to give it a good read-through. Forget that old-fashioned, spoken hyperbole you are used to -- the most interesting propaganda is coming out in print these days. And that's not even just the subtitles on posters; I'm talking about entire paragraphs of lies.
For the handful of you reading this who may be literate, I encourage you to help those who can not yet read. Allow me to give some practical advice. When you meet someone who can't read, do what I do -- gift them a strongly worded pamphlet on the importance of literature or write them an open letter on the Internet. Change doesn't just happen, we have to do our part. You can't just wait around hoping people teach themselves.
Sincerely,
The Literate
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Open Letters
Dear Open Letters,
Who do you think you're fooling? The persons you are addressed to never read you. Even if they knew about you, they probably wouldn't read you. But they don't know about you... because you didn't specifically send it to them. See, letters are meant to be sent to addresses, which enables the addressee to see the letter. It's a system that has been developed over the years with the aide of the post office and it's proven remarkably effective.
Which is easier? Writing a letter to your neighbor and delivering it to him? Or writing an open letter to your neighbor and walking outside and shouting that you wrote an open letter and hope that your neighbor heard you? I'm going with the former, because my neighbor is extremely loud, so much so that they'd never hear me shouting -- in fact, the letter that I was writing him was concerning his inappropriate decibel levels. (And the letter contained a strongly worded paragraph about his stubborn refusal to read my open letters on my blog and how that bothered me so.)
Open letters -- we're all open to the idea of ignoring you. So that's what we'll continue to do.
Sincerely,
Closed Letter Writers Everywhere
Who do you think you're fooling? The persons you are addressed to never read you. Even if they knew about you, they probably wouldn't read you. But they don't know about you... because you didn't specifically send it to them. See, letters are meant to be sent to addresses, which enables the addressee to see the letter. It's a system that has been developed over the years with the aide of the post office and it's proven remarkably effective.
Which is easier? Writing a letter to your neighbor and delivering it to him? Or writing an open letter to your neighbor and walking outside and shouting that you wrote an open letter and hope that your neighbor heard you? I'm going with the former, because my neighbor is extremely loud, so much so that they'd never hear me shouting -- in fact, the letter that I was writing him was concerning his inappropriate decibel levels. (And the letter contained a strongly worded paragraph about his stubborn refusal to read my open letters on my blog and how that bothered me so.)
Open letters -- we're all open to the idea of ignoring you. So that's what we'll continue to do.
Sincerely,
Closed Letter Writers Everywhere
Monday, September 13, 2010
Persons Photographing Themselves with a Cell Phone in the Bathroom, Shirtless
Dear People Photographing Themselves in the Bathroom, Shirtless, with a Cell Phone,
You're doing life wrong. If someone wanted to see you in a pic without your shirt on, someone would have volunteered to take the picture. But no one did. That's why you're taking it of yourself... in a bathroom mirror. Instead of using the phone as a camera, you should take it and call a friend who can talk you out of it, the conversation will sound something like this --
"I've got the camera phone... and I'm kind of naked..."
"Put it down, slowly."
"But I feel so vulnerable right now... no one even comments on my profile pictures..."
"Stop flexing."
"But..."
"Please, we love you, we don't want you to do this to yourself. This affects the people around you. Also, the lighting is never good in these shots and they aren't particularly flattering, especially if the phone has a flash and here's that random bright white spot in the middle. And it's even worse when people don't Windex their mirrors properly and then sometimes we can see the spots, so just don't do it, okay?"
When you're ready to be photographed, someone will find you.
Sincerely,
Quiet Dignity
You're doing life wrong. If someone wanted to see you in a pic without your shirt on, someone would have volunteered to take the picture. But no one did. That's why you're taking it of yourself... in a bathroom mirror. Instead of using the phone as a camera, you should take it and call a friend who can talk you out of it, the conversation will sound something like this --
"I've got the camera phone... and I'm kind of naked..."
"Put it down, slowly."
"But I feel so vulnerable right now... no one even comments on my profile pictures..."
"Stop flexing."
"But..."
"Please, we love you, we don't want you to do this to yourself. This affects the people around you. Also, the lighting is never good in these shots and they aren't particularly flattering, especially if the phone has a flash and here's that random bright white spot in the middle. And it's even worse when people don't Windex their mirrors properly and then sometimes we can see the spots, so just don't do it, okay?"
When you're ready to be photographed, someone will find you.
Sincerely,
Quiet Dignity
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
the Man With Two Teeth
Dear Man with Two Teeth,
Minimalism... well played. Easy to clean. Easier to floss. Easiest to love. I'm not sure if you've given up on impressing people, but if you have -- that's impressive. Don't ever consider dentures -- you've got all you need already.
Sincerely,
A Distant Admirer
Minimalism... well played. Easy to clean. Easier to floss. Easiest to love. I'm not sure if you've given up on impressing people, but if you have -- that's impressive. Don't ever consider dentures -- you've got all you need already.
Sincerely,
A Distant Admirer
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Somali Pirates
Dear Somali Pirates,
In weighing your unpopularity during an era of unprecedented pirate popularity, I have a few suggestions for your public relations representative.
- Eye Patches. You don't have them -- old pirates did. If we are going to get on your side, we need some reasons to do so. Sad accidents never hurt this; by wearing eye patches you'd be able imply a horrible eye-gouging accident... and this creates sympathy. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "sure, he's pillaging ruthlessly, but I'm sure he comes from a challenging upbringing, I mean, he's missing an eye and such... who am I to judge?" Make us think that.
- Go Carribean. Indian Ocean pirating is not romantic. More importantly there has never been a successful movie franchise called, "Pirates of the Indian Ocean." Part of this is because of Disneyland, which isn't your fault at all, but part of it is basic syntax -- it's more awkward to say Indian Ocean than Caribbean.
- Ships, not boats. I don't care how effective an outboard engine motor boat may be -- you need ships. Cannons don't fit on boats made from tin cans and trust me, cannon balls are in. Just go to the local pool: Kid who does an missile/torpedo/WMD into the pool = lame. Kid who does a cannon ball = always in style.
You guys are barely pirates. You don't look the part and you don't act the part. When you're going to pirate, you go all out. No one wants a "vampire" who doesn't drink blood and no one wants a "pirate" without a peg leg. Your popularity will catch up to your pirate ancestors when you start gouging some eyes and sawing some knees. I don't mean to be gross here, that's just the reality.
Be your best. Be something we can be for Halloween.
Sincerely,
Seafarers and Land-wanderers
In weighing your unpopularity during an era of unprecedented pirate popularity, I have a few suggestions for your public relations representative.
- Eye Patches. You don't have them -- old pirates did. If we are going to get on your side, we need some reasons to do so. Sad accidents never hurt this; by wearing eye patches you'd be able imply a horrible eye-gouging accident... and this creates sympathy. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "sure, he's pillaging ruthlessly, but I'm sure he comes from a challenging upbringing, I mean, he's missing an eye and such... who am I to judge?" Make us think that.
- Go Carribean. Indian Ocean pirating is not romantic. More importantly there has never been a successful movie franchise called, "Pirates of the Indian Ocean." Part of this is because of Disneyland, which isn't your fault at all, but part of it is basic syntax -- it's more awkward to say Indian Ocean than Caribbean.
- Ships, not boats. I don't care how effective an outboard engine motor boat may be -- you need ships. Cannons don't fit on boats made from tin cans and trust me, cannon balls are in. Just go to the local pool: Kid who does an missile/torpedo/WMD into the pool = lame. Kid who does a cannon ball = always in style.
You guys are barely pirates. You don't look the part and you don't act the part. When you're going to pirate, you go all out. No one wants a "vampire" who doesn't drink blood and no one wants a "pirate" without a peg leg. Your popularity will catch up to your pirate ancestors when you start gouging some eyes and sawing some knees. I don't mean to be gross here, that's just the reality.
Be your best. Be something we can be for Halloween.
Sincerely,
Seafarers and Land-wanderers
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