Thursday, May 5, 2011

The War on Terror

Dear War on Terror,

You have cost over $1 trillion dollars.

What I would have done with the money instead:

- Build one indoor, heated Olympic-sized swimming pool in each county in Wyoming (23), hire world-class trainers and turn all cowboys into swimmers, ensuring our future success in the sport. Cost = $204 million. Money left = $999.8 billion.

- Move the state of Nebraska three feet to the right. Why? Just because. Cost = $930 million. Money left = $998.9 billion

- One year, in the month of July, institute a Free Taco Tuesday and Free Chalupa Wednesday at every Taco Bell (6,446 nationwide). Cost = $30.3 billion, assuming people eat a lot. Money left = $968.6 billion

- To improve education, buy the top 10% of Chinese students (about 6.5 million) and transfer them to the US and ship our worst 30% of students to Greenland. Cost = $250 billion in transfer, relocation and human trafficking fees. Money left = $718.6 billion

- One free movie ticket for every American to see Thor. Cost = $3.5 billion. Money left = $715 billion

- Buyout and shut down every Little Caeser's pizzeria because their pizza is disgusting. Cost = $80 billion. Money left = $638.6 billion

- Give every college student who graduated in Philosophy $25,000 to go back to school and get a degree that will enable them get a job. Cost = $12.5 billion. Money left = $626 billion

- Unlimited free puppies. Cost = $50 billion. Money left = $576 billion

- Launch an irrational war on the moon. Cost = $304 billion. Money left = $272 billion

- Eradication of acne from the West Coast. Cost = $67 billion. Money left = $205 billion

- Release all 1+ million US prisoners, buying each a plane ticket to Pakistan, with the reward that whoever killed Osama Bin Ladin would be given $1 billion and a plane ticket back to the US. Cost = negligible with all the money saved from not having prisoners anymore. Money left = $205 billion

- Offer each US citizen a "buy one Eiffel Tower, get the second one free" promotion. Cost = $43 billion. Money left = $162 billion

- Move Nebraska back to its original location to appease the rioters. Cost = $930 million. Money left = $161 billion

- Give the Make a Wish Foundation organization one wish. Cost = $1 million to $161 billion, depending on their level of greed. Money left = not sure, but whatever is there, I'm stealing at this point.

On second thought, that stuff isn't that good, I would have rather had some wars that killed tens of thousands of people.


Common Sense


  1. If I were eligible, I'd vote you into office just to see these things happen.

  2. Wow. This should be published in The New York Times.

  3. This was the best thing that I've read for a long time, and I'm even studying for the AP Lang. test!

    What a welcome relief. :)

  4. DBS, unfortunately, this article contains too many facts for consideration by the Times.