Friday, May 20, 2011

Fastest Sperm in the Sea

Dear Fastest,

Yeah, I'm talking to you. If you are alive, you were the fastest sperm, beating billions to claim your title.

Here's where I get confused. Half of the time the you are a man sperm and half the time you are a woman sperm. Fact: sperm carry the gender chromosome. Male sperms don't win the race any more than female sperms, as evidenced by the fact that half the babies born are girls. It's a sprint and it's a gender tossup. Now, once you fastest sperm have grown up, it's the men sperms --now real men-- that have now become the fastest. It's not even close: the fastest women sprinters (and swimmers) can't keep up. This is scientifically improbably, that something just as fast before became so slow later. So... what happens down there?

There are only a few reasonable scenarios:

A. Women sperm aren't actually quite as fast but they have a better sense of direction and don't get lost and if they do are more willing to ask directions, thus enabling them to get to the egg and win.

B. Men sperm take too many risks on the journey, like riding motorcycles, and kill themselves off. Women sperm live longer.

C. At the egg, men sperm try and force their way in and are too aggressive, not understanding eggs want to have an emotional connection before a physical one... women sperm, of course, understand this better.

D. The perfect combo of all the above.

You know what I like about you, fastest sperm, you won fair and square. You weren't handed anything. There is no WNBA in human reproduction. The men and women sperm fight it out, no holds barred. Women sperm have broken the glass ceiling for... well, since the beginning of time.

Trying to understand,

Another Victorious Sperm

art from the funny Abi Harrison (


  1. I think Parts A and C seem most realistic.

  2. I've always wondered if fish have sperm, and if they do, if they ever get lost in the ocean and accidentally swim into another fish