Open Letters

Dear Open Letters,

Who do you think you're fooling? The persons you are addressed to never read you. Even if they knew about you, they probably wouldn't read you. But they don't know about you... because you didn't specifically send it to them. See, letters are meant to be sent to addresses, which enables the addressee to see the letter. It's a system that has been developed over the years with the aide of the post office and it's proven remarkably effective.

Which is easier? Writing a letter to your neighbor and delivering it to him? Or writing an open letter to your neighbor and walking outside and shouting that you wrote an open letter and hope that your neighbor heard you? I'm going with the former, because my neighbor is extremely loud, so much so that they'd never hear me shouting -- in fact, the letter that I was writing him was concerning his inappropriate decibel levels. (And the letter contained a strongly worded paragraph about his stubborn refusal to read my open letters on my blog and how that bothered me so.)

Open letters -- we're all open to the idea of ignoring you. So that's what we'll continue to do.

Sincerely,

Closed Letter Writers Everywhere

Persons Photographing Themselves with a Cell Phone in the Bathroom, Shirtless

Dear People Photographing Themselves in the Bathroom, Shirtless, with a Cell Phone,

You're doing life wrong. If someone wanted to see you in a pic without your shirt on, someone would have volunteered to take the picture. But no one did. That's why you're taking it of yourself... in a bathroom mirror. Instead of using the phone as a camera, you should take it and call a friend who can talk you out of it, the conversation will sound something like this --

"I've got the camera phone... and I'm kind of naked..."
"Put it down, slowly."
"But I feel so vulnerable right now... no one even comments on my profile pictures..."
"Stop flexing."
"But..."
"Please, we love you, we don't want you to do this to yourself. This affects the people around you. Also, the lighting is never good in these shots and they aren't particularly flattering, especially if the phone has a flash and here's that random bright white spot in the middle. And it's even worse when people don't Windex their mirrors properly and then sometimes we can see the spots, so just don't do it, okay?"

When you're ready to be photographed, someone will find you.

Sincerely,

Quiet Dignity

the Man With Two Teeth

Dear Man with Two Teeth,

Minimalism... well played. Easy to clean. Easier to floss. Easiest to love. I'm not sure if you've given up on impressing people, but if you have -- that's impressive. Don't ever consider dentures -- you've got all you need already.

Sincerely,

A Distant Admirer

Somali Pirates

Dear Somali Pirates,

In weighing your unpopularity during an era of unprecedented pirate popularity, I have a few suggestions for your public relations representative.

- Eye Patches. You don't have them -- old pirates did. If we are going to get on your side, we need some reasons to do so. Sad accidents never hurt this; by wearing eye patches you'd be able imply a horrible eye-gouging accident... and this creates sympathy. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "sure, he's pillaging ruthlessly, but I'm sure he comes from a challenging upbringing, I mean, he's missing an eye and such... who am I to judge?" Make us think that.

- Go Carribean. Indian Ocean pirating is not romantic. More importantly there has never been a successful movie franchise called, "Pirates of the Indian Ocean." Part of this is because of Disneyland, which isn't your fault at all, but part of it is basic syntax -- it's more awkward to say Indian Ocean than Caribbean.

- Ships, not boats. I don't care how effective an outboard engine motor boat may be -- you need ships. Cannons don't fit on boats made from tin cans and trust me, cannon balls are in. Just go to the local pool: Kid who does an missile/torpedo/WMD into the pool = lame. Kid who does a cannon ball = always in style.

You guys are barely pirates. You don't look the part and you don't act the part. When you're going to pirate, you go all out. No one wants a "vampire" who doesn't drink blood and no one wants a "pirate" without a peg leg. Your popularity will catch up to your pirate ancestors when you start gouging some eyes and sawing some knees. I don't mean to be gross here, that's just the reality.

Be your best. Be something we can be for Halloween.

Sincerely,

Seafarers and Land-wanderers

Cursive Handwriting

Dear Cursive,

You're going out of style, cursive. You need a change, a re-imaginng. A font face-lift.

Every school-child learns you about 8 times. Few will ever use you again, eventually forgetting you and then at that point, even if they want to, they can't use you.

Here's the problem, cursive. You're hard to read. That's good when playing poker, but bad when you are a handwriting. Yeah, you may be first-team all Texas Hold 'em, but you are cryptic communication, cryptic.

Cursive, I recently saw one sample of your work where I couldn't distinguish a's and u's. I wasn't sure if my friend was in a 'rut' or a 'rat,' and if they were in a rat, it would explain the hurried, sloppy handwriting but would leave other questions, such as how they had managed to get the letter to me and some more interesting existential questions about what it all meant and how exactly this was all happening. You may make letters more interesting, unintentionally, but that doesn't justify your cryptic-ness.

I have one word for you: standardization.

And I have one phrase for you: check yo'self before you wreck yo'self.

And I have one short story for you: but it's too long to share here.

And I have one open letter for you: this was it, dumdum.


Sincerely,

Legibility

Padded Resumes

Dear Padded Resumes,

You've inspired me:

James Littlejohn
"Everywhere you want to be"

Selected Work Experience

CEP - Chief Executive Patron, Taco Bell
1996 - present
I told an employee that their food was disgusting. Later, their food got a little better, effectively saving the company by "thinking outside the bun."

Head Adviser, Self
circa 1991 - present
Regularly schedule an entire human's life, including social and financial aspects.
Demonstrated quick-thinking, sometimes.
Experience with people, especially me.

Crime Prevention/ Security Guard, Self
1994 - present
Proactive, acute analysis and avoidance of potentially dangerous people and sometimes dogs.

Independent Automobile Conductor
2001 - present
Licensed by federal government to operate large, fast-moving, and potentially dangerous equipment.

Coach, Golden State Warriors
winters: 2000 - 2005
Advised and made suggestions and encouragement to struggling basketballers on court.

Languages

English - Yes
Spanish - A veces
French - Wee (with subtitles)
German - I can communicate with all Germans that speak English

Special Skills

- Media Consumption, Discrimination and Critique
- Culinary Consumption, Discrimination and Critique
- Typing - 500 words a second
- Elementary Motor Skills
- Resume Padding

References

Barack Obama, President, Number: (Call me and I'll ask him whatever you want to for him)




Sincerely,

James

History Channel's "Mega Disasters"

Dear History Channel's "Mega Disasters" TV Show,

I've noticed your show is about the future, specifically, what could happen during a natural disaster in the future.

I also couldn't help but notice you, a show about the future -- or in other words fiction, is airing on the History channel.

The History channel is the only channel exclusively dedicated to things that have already happened. You are a show exclusively dedicated to things that have not happened and may never happen. Let me reiterate that. History channel = history. "Mega Disasters" = not history.

You blatantly contradict the channel that produces you. This would be akin to ESPN going out of its way to air a non-sport, like the Spelling Bee, or Music TV, MTV, going out of its way to promote anything but music, and we know these things would never happen.

Stay in your lane, History Channel.

Sincerely,

I-don't-have-a-Neilsen-box-but-my-opinion-should-still-count Television Watcher