Tuesday, April 26, 2011

My Unborn Children

Dear Unborn Children,

I hope you don't get as many of my genes as I did. I ended up with 100% of my own genes. If you are fortunate, you'll get less than 50% of mine and the rest will be from a woman who --although I don't know her-- will likely be a better genetic bet than me. I have some issues. Physically, I have this weird skin discoloration on my right arm, and you don't want any part of that. Athletically, I'm just good enough to delude myself into visions of grandeur, but nothing more. Mentally, my attention span isn't as good as advertised. And emotionally, I'm regularly accused of not feeling things I do... so you'll want to avoid that, too.

I guess I'm saying that I'm not a perfect genetic specimen, okay? But that doesn't mean you can't lead a normal life. I've led a normal life, at least on paper. The truth is I'm going to be handicapping you as much as the next guy. You're going to have problems. But if I've been able to overcome my own handicaps (which I haven't but that's besides the point) then you can do it, too.

So I guess I'm apologizing in advance.


A Future Parent

So I went to the hospital and the sonogram revealed that not only am I not pregnant but that my insides look like the planet Mercury. I think this is because I've been eating a lot of contaminated seafood.


  1. I'm showing this to my father as evidence that I was right to ask him for that apology. Sorry to hear you're not pregnant. Keep trying, I'm rooting for you.

  2. Future Parent,
    Being someone who says about himself "I make comedy" that was incredibly depressing. (except for the part about your insides looking like planet Mercury) I'm sure there are support groups for exactly your situation. maybe you should look into it.

  3. Dear Anonymous,

    I take exception to the use of the word 'incredibly' in your comment.

    Things that are 'incredibly' depressing:
    - Arrested Development only lasting three seasons
    - Small market sports teams consistently losing their all-stars to free agency
    - The number of people who read this blog

    Things that are not 'incredibly' depressing:
    - Pointing out things that are 'wrong' with me, fully realizing that it's those things that make life interesting and compelling, and fully realizing that my future children will actually be blessed by their deficiencies in the exact same ways I am.

    Actually, let me add one more thing to my 'incredibly depressing' list:
    - Blog posts that are misunderstood

  4. I thought this was funny but my genes are a little dicey too. Just sayin.