Friday, April 1, 2011


Dear April,

At last count, there are twelve months. But there are only two months you can name someone after: April and June.

You can name someone May, but the spelling is debatable and the results are precarious. And you can almost name someone August, but I think that's supposed to be Augusto. If you were to name someone after any of the other months, it's hard to say what would happen. January is a girl's name, but before you name any girl January you need to realize a disproportionate number of Januaries are strippers. Same could be said about December. October strikes me as very masculine, but I worry that anyone named October will be an alcoholic. July and November are disconcertingly androgynous, creepy names. And anyone named February might not be human at all. I'd name a robot February. March? That's a verb, not a noun. September? That's not even a good month, let alone name.

Anyway, the reason I write you this is you are in a unique position, April. There are only two real month names, and you are one of them. Also, you have an edge on June, as that name's popularity has really plummeted and for good reason, it's old-fashioned. April, you have an edge on the season names, too. Summer? Too flowery. I have a friend named Fall, who was named after her Grandmother Autumn, but I don't know about that name either -- you shouldn't name a child after a time when the plants start to die.

So this month, lots of girls will be named after you, April. And I guess that what I want to say is this: I hope all the people who want to name a kid after a month or a season have their kid in the next thirty days. We don't need any more Decembers or Februaries or Octobers or Summers running around. But we can always use more Aprils.


An Observer of Names

READERS: If you have heard of any other day/month/season names I missed, please share.


  1. I hear people like to name their daughters Tuesday. Someone I know even named their daughter after a holiday: Christmas.

  2. Tuesday? I'd consider naming a girl Friday, but that wouldn't be after the day of the week, it would be after the Rebecca Black song.

  3. I hope Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter APPLE (!!!!!) reads this and changes her name to April. Even June would be better. Poor kid.
    P.S. Avril is April en Francais. Nice eh? (Sorry to get all Canadian on you again.)

  4. Avril = yes please (when pronounced correctly)

  5. FYI, I know somebody named January. A girl. No joke.

  6. @Tabo, thanks for being serious about January