CAPTCHA

Dear CAPTCHA,

I can't read the words. But even if I could, is this what separates me from a computer? I always thought it was something more, like:

- my sense of humor

- ability to go swimming and not short-circuit

- that I hate vacuuming

- acne

Could we incorporate some of those tests to determine that I'm not a computer? The only thing I have in common with machines is that we both hate CAPTCHA.

Sincerely,

A Real Person

SSG Dewayne Pittman

Readers: I'm breaking away from my usual format of publishing one open letter to publish a series of real correspondence I had with a certain"SSG Dewayne Pittman" in December of 2010. I hope you enjoy it.

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Wed, Dec 22, 2010 at 5:59 AM

Subject: From SSG Dewayne Pittman

From SSG Dewayne Pittman,

I am SSG Dewayne Pittman, an active American soldier serving in Iraq,

I am serving in the military of the 1st Armored Division in Iraq, as our mission here is highly exclusive due to insurgents everyday and car bombs are attacking our peaceful mission here.

We managed to secure funds from the war zone. The total amount is US$ 23 Million dollars in cash.

We want to move this money out of this place,this place is a war zone, so that you may keep our share for us till when we will come over to meet you.We will take 70%, my partner and I.You take 30%.

No strings attached, just help us move it out of Iraq, Iraq is a war zone. We plan on using diplomatic courier and shipping the money out in a large box, using diplomatic immunity.

If you are interested I will send you the full details, my job is to find a good partner that we can trust and that will assist us. Can I trust you? When you receive this letter, kindly send me an e-mail signifying your interest including your most confidential telephone/fax numbers for quick communication also your contact details. This business is risk free.

The box can be shipped out in 48hrs if you want to handle the deal with us as brothers.

Should you be interested, please contact me,so we can commence all arrangements and I Will give you more information on how we would handle this project.

Respectfully,

SSG Dewayne Pittman

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: SSG Dewayne Pittman

Date: Wed, Dec 22, 3:24 pm

Subject: Re: From Dewayne Pittman

Captain Pittman,

I will help on one condition: you go to this website: www.facebook.com/littlejohncomedy, and click 'Like. When you have done this, return and report. Thank you for your brave military service!!!

Sincerely, Graham

-

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Thu, Dec 23, 2010, 12:56 AM

Dear Graham,

I am a soldier and I am giving you this total blind trust because I am used to risk and I wish that you send me a scanned copy of your id card to guarantee my blind trust on you. You have to know that I have so much exclusive duties here to handle that is why i have not been able to handle this issue. and I need to ship this fund out of this country as soon as possible so that I can concentrate on my duty post.

We cannot go for bank to bank transfer because of the origin of the money and as American soldier on war duty. Our activities are highly limited based on the military code of conduct of the USA we soldiers are not permitted to our personal transaction while on duty post. I have been into the American war force for many years.

I wish to inform you that this is not my first experience in diplomatic shipment. Many times we have secured valuable items in the war zone and the only safe way of securing such item is through diplomatic shipment.

The diplomatic shipment I will pay for the deposit fees and arrival clearance fees here before the box will depart.

I want you to know that you are dealing with a force man and assure you that the diplomatic shipment will be safe for us. During departure, I will buy a diplomatic Tag with my name and the diplomatic yellow sticker will be placed on the box and that is also called non inspection sticker, no air port authority or security agent has the right to inspect or stop any diplomatic item.

I have made some verification through the diplomatic courier company delivery directory and I was informed that there is no direct flight to any other country.

This is an international UK diplomatic company which carries diplomatic vessels for overnight delivery to anywhere in the world. All consignment to any other country must be transited through London.

Because of my duties and the military code of conduct, as soon as the box departs Iraq, I will no longer be directly involved. Based on my past experiences and information giving, there shall be another purchase of a new diplomatic tag to cover the transit departure of the box from London air port and its arrival in your country air port.

The diplomatic non inspection sticker which I will purchase here will expire in London as soon as the box arrives there for transit and because they will change to another flight, you will have to request for another non inspection tag because you shall be contact from their UK regional office at the air port as the beneficiary to schedule the delivery date and time.

You must remember to request the diplomatic tag from their UK regional office and it will cost you less to buy. Without you requesting for it, the diplomat will continue the transit and we will have problems at the arrival point in your country because the previous tag has expired and the air port authorities will inspect the box.

This project is for your benefit and myself that is why we must work as partners to secure this money and you must send me a scanned copy of any form of your id card to guarantee my trust on you pending my arrival in your country any time as soon as I am out of my duty post for a leave.

I do not have much time because this place is a war zone and I need to make this shipment as soon as possible.

As soon as i know your position as regards to this shipment, i will make the deposit the same day for the departure of the box to your house.

Put away fear and everything will be fine. let us work as one family and achieve this goal.

Thanks

Best Regards SSG Dewayne Pittman.

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: SSG Dewayne Pittman

Date: Thur, Dec 23, 4:53 pm

Subject: Re: Re: From Dewayne Pittman

You need an ID card? What kind of ID card? I have an expired Library Card from the City of Orange but it doesn't have a picture on it. However, my name is clearly signed on the back, and it has a bar code, so that's good. Would you like me to scan this card and send it to you?

I pray for your speedy reply,

Bill (I usually go by Bill, not Graham, in official matters)

-

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Fri, Dec 24, 2010, 3:05 AM

Dear Graham,

The way you sound in your mail shows that you are not serious over this matter.Please am serious over this matter and not joking.If you know you are ready to work with us in this project,go through the second mail i sent to you very well and decide if you are to work with us or not.Again i need your valid identity card with your picture inside because it will help to register your informaion to the company as the receiver of the box.

I will be waiting to hear from you again.

Regards.

Sg Pittman.

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: SSG Dewayne Pittman

Date: Fri, Dec 24, 4:32 pm

Subject: Re: Re: Re: From Dewayne Pittman

Sg Pittman,

I'm definitely serious because the amount of money at stake sincerely interests me. I would like to help, for the right amount. I will send you the ID card if you agree to give me half of the money. then we will get serious about this.

Thank you, James (no longer going by Bill)

-

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Dec 25, 2010 at 8:43 AM

Dear James,

Now i know that you are not serious,how can you demand for half of the money.You can forget about the issue,am not joking with you.

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: SSG Dewayne Pittman

Date: Dec 25, 2010, 3:49 pm

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: From SSG Dewayne Pittman

Do you have a counter offer? I'd consider taking 35%

-

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Sun, Dec 26, 2010, 6:29 AM

Ok

Lets go ahead what we need is the surcess of this transcation,i can even compensate more than that if you keep the box very well untill we come over in your country.So go through my second mail very well and get back to me with the demaded details,because i will like to give you more informations on how to secure this fund in your country.

Thanks.

Regards.

Sg Pittmlan.

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: SSG Dewayne Pittman

Date: Dec 26, 2010, 5:28 pm

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: From SSG Dewayne Pittman

Sg Pittmlan,

I can't find your second email in my inbox. It must have been deleted accidentally. Please resend the specific details of what I need to do.

Thank you, James

-

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Mon, Dec 27, 2010, 12:57 AM

Subject: Read carefully/ From SSG Dewayne Pittman

Dear James,

Here is the second mail i sent to you.so go through it now and get back to me as soon as possible.You need to receive this box before thusday this week in your country.Go through it very well and send the demanded details.

&nbs p; &n bsp; Here is the mail.

*************************************************************** *************************************************************

I am a soldier and I am giving you this total blind trust because I am used to risk and I wish that you send me a scanned copy of your id card to guarantee my blind trust on you. You have to know that I have so much exclusive duties here to handle that is why i have not been able to handle this issue. and I need to ship this fund out of this country as soon as possible so that I can concentrate on my duty post.

We cannot go for bank to bank transfer because of the origin of the money and as American soldier on war duty. Our activities are highly limited based on the military code of conduct of the USA we soldiers are not permitted to our personal transaction while on duty post. I have been into the American war force for many years.

I wish to inform you that this is not my first experience in diplomatic shipment. Many times we have secured valuable items in the war zone and the only safe way of securing such item is through diplomatic shipment.

The diplomatic shipment I will pay for the deposit fees and arrival clearance fees here before the box will depart.

I want you to know that you are dealing with a force man and assure you that the diplomatic shipment will be safe for us. During departure, I will buy a diplomatic Tag with my name and the diplomatic yellow sticker will be placed on the box and that is also called non inspection sticker, no air port authority or security agent has the right to inspect or stop any diplomatic item.

I have made some verification through the diplomatic courier company delivery directory and I was informed that there is no direct flight to any other country.

This is an international UK diplomatic company which carries diplomatic vessels for overnight delivery to anywhere in the world. All consignment to any other country must be transited through London.

Because of my duties and the military code of conduct, as soon as the box departs Iraq, I will no longer be directly involved. Based on my past experiences and information giving, there shall be another purchase of a new diplomatic tag to cover the transit departure of the box from London air port and its arrival in your country air port.

The diplomatic non inspection sticker which I will purchase here will expire in London as soon as the box arrives there for transit and because they will change to another flight, you will have to request for another non inspection tag because you shall be contact from their UK regional office at the air port as the beneficiary to schedule the delivery date and time.

You must remember to request the diplomatic tag from their UK regional office and it will cost you less to buy. Without you requesting for it, the diplomat will continue the transit and we will have problems at the arrival point in your country because the previous tag has expired and the air port authorities will inspect the box.

This project is for your benefit and myself that is why we must work as partners to secure this money and you must send me a scanned copy of any form of your id card to guarantee my trust on you pending my arrival in your country any time as soon as I am out of my duty post for a leave.

I do not have much time because this place is a war zone and I need to make this shipment as soon as possible.

As soon as i know your position as regards to this shipment, i will make the deposit the same day for the departure of the box to your house.

Put away fear and everything will be fine. let us work as one family and achieve this goal.

Thanks

Best Regards

SSG Dewayne Pittman.

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: SSG Dewayne Pittman

Date: Dec 27, 2010, 2:17 pm

Subject: Re: Read carefully/ From SSG Dewayne Pittman

I don't think that's the one you sent me before. Are you sure? It looks different.

-

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Dec 28, 2010, 2:03 am

Dear James,

Look am serious not joking right! you have to decide if you are going to work with us or not.

Thanks.

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: Dewayne Pittman

Date: Dec 28, 12:05 pm

Subject: Re: Re: Read carefully/ From SSG Dewayne Pittman

You were right - I reread it and you'll be happy I was also able to find the old second email and they are the same. I apologize. How are things in the war zone? I feel like we don't talk as much as we used to, like we are growing apart, and this worries me.

I am attaching my ID card. It is a very large file though, so please tell me if you don't get it so I can retry sending it.

Thank you, Jim

-

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Dec 29, 2010, 3:17 am



Dear James,

Listen to me as i told you before that am not jonking,i did not received any id or address e.t.c from you.Please if you know you are not serious to work with me,let me know than to waist my time.Now you have gone through the mail very well,this is only way we can move this box out from here.

Send all the details i demanded from you because is very important to register to the company as the receiver of the box.

Thanks and hope to read from you again.

Regards.

Sg Pittman.

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: Dewayne Pittman

Date: Dec 29, 2:18 pm

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Read carefully/ From SSG Dewayne Pittman

Dewayne, I am sending the ID card and information tomorrow night, when I have an internet connection. My internet isn't working right now.

-

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Dec 30, 2010, 1:29 am

Dear James,

You are trying to insult me because i contacted you.Is not fult,i will not tell you anything but in GOD WE TRUST.

Thanks.

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: Dewayne Pittman

Date: Dec 30, 6:11 pm

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Read carefully/ From SSG Dewayne Pittman

As promised, I have attached my ID CARD

-

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Dec 31, 2010, 3:42 am

Dear James,

I can see that you are a comedian,you send me id right?Please no need of repeating my word everytime go through all my mails you will understand all the details i need from you.Do that fast because we are delaying this project and again you are not serious over this matter.

Thanks.

Ssg Pittman

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: Dewayne Pittman

Date: Jan 1, 5:41 pm

Mr. Dewayne Pittman, I was disappointed to see that you have stopped writing me. Then I remembered you were in a war zone and maybe you died. I have alerted the US Army. Using digital tracking software they were able to find where you have been sending emails from; they said you were not in Iraq, but they would not tell me where. I said you were probably hurt and should hurry up to get there, and they said they would be sending "authorities" to the city you have been sending the emails from and would be able to help you if you are hurt. They also said one time this happened but it turned out the guy who had been saying he was from the Army turned out to not have been a soldier but a liar and they caught him and threw him in jail and tortured him, but I assured him you were not like that guy and that you really were in the Army and needed help securing the box with all the money. The amount of money seemed to interest them so they said they are already on their way.

James

The Voting Public

Dear Voting Public,

Forget the issues. There is only one thing that matters: height. Since the 20th century, taller candidates are 19 - 6. They almost always win.

Heightism? Maybe. But history has also shown that isn't a bad thing. Not only is Lincoln the tallest president, he is also always ranked number one. In fact, the tallest 8 presidents in US History are also all ranked in the top half of the latest historical aggregate rankings.

Want more evidence, voting public? How about this: the last four candidates to beat a taller candidate were Bush (twice), Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Calvin Coolidge. Each of those presidents is ranked in the bottom half of the aggregate. It's almost like America was thinking, "lets give the shorter guy a chance..." and every time they did, it was a mistake.

This is a bipartisan topic: taller presidents are better. If Wilt Chamberlain had been President, the economy would have been so good we'd still be benefiting from it and every American would now own a jet. There is no reason to debate issues; taller Presidents are winners. This is why America has never elected a woman -- they are at a natural disadvantage. Sorry feminists, but you are going to need to start wearing heels again.

Obama is 6' 1". This means the only candidates who could (and should) beat him in 2012 are Mitt Romney and Tim Pawlenty (6' 2" each). Huntsman, Cain, Paul, or Gingrich? Too short. Bachman? Tiny.

Do I watch the debates? Yes, but on mute. And once I get a wide-shot where I can see who is taller, I make a decision. You'd do well to do the same.

Sincerely,

The Stats

Shampoo

Dear Shampoo Companies,

In in the early 1900s Americans shampoo-ed once a month. Now, some shampoo twice a day. Who is in the right?

In coming to a decision, we must consider the factors at play. Did people shampoo less back in the day because they were: (a) too poor (b) didn't bath much to begin with... or (c) knew more about hair care than modern scientists? Conversely, do people shampoo more now because: (a) advertising tells us to wash, rinse and repeat... or (b) we know more about hair care?

As an interesting side debate, do people shampoo more now because they tend to swim more? Chlorine can really damage hair. If you look at the swimsuits from the 1900s, it's easy to see why people avoided the pool... I'm pretty sure these things are wool:

Take a look at the hair on those three. The guy in the middle and the lady on the left have nice hair. That girl on the right not so much. What can that tell us about shampoo? I'm not sure.

Or maybe people used shampoo less way back when because it was a much easier time... back then it's not like people worked much with their hands, so they didn't get as dirty as we do now.

Or maybe not.

So, shampoo companies, I would like to know how often I am supposed to shampoo. I presently lean towards shampoo-ing infrequently, especially when I run out of shampoo and forget to buy more.

Sincerely,

My Hair

READERS: if you have any strong or not strong opinions on this pivotal topic, please share in comments.

Pen Manufacturers

Dear BIC,

You've been making pens for a pretty long time. Are we ever going to get to the point where they work?

I like a pen that looks nice and has an ergonomic design and all that... but I really would just like to not use my pen for a few days and then find it works without having to scribble violently on scrap paper for five minutes. Is that too much to ask? We've got a digital clock that is powered by dead flies, and we can't seem to make a pen that functions for more than a week. What's that? You want me buy an expensive pen in order to find one that works? How about - no. How about you stop selling things labeled as pens if ink does not flow from their cavities.

Step up your game BIC before I switch back to pencils.

Sincerely,

Millions of People Who Can See Ink Left In Their Pen That Does Not Write

PS - I'm writing you this letter online instead of writing it on paper because all my pens are busted.

PeOpLe WhO TYpE LiKE ThIS

Dear PeOpLe WhO TYpE LiKE ThIS,

Thank you.

Seriously, I appreciate it when I see that kind of typing, as it instantly tells me "you won't want to read this sentence."

I know instantly that if I persist and read the sentence, I'll be left with something like: OMG! JoBrOThRS aT thE TaNNinG SaLOn. And that's not a sentence I need to be reading. So thanks for the heads up.

I do wonder what the most intelligent thing that has ever been typed like that is... It would be interesting to run into a sentence like this: lEtS RUn a STaTiSTiCaL ReGResSiON!! or ThE MaRKeT'S liKE 2Nd BreAk EvEN POiNT iS iN tHe ThiRD QuArTER!! But I don't see it happening for some time.

Until then, thanks again for the advanced notice,

James