Dear Cap'n Crunch,
Thank you for ripping the roof of my mouth to smithereens.
Cap'n Crunch, you are the cheese grater of cereals. Sometimes I tell myself, "my mouth is feeling a little too smooth" -- and that's when I go to you, my sugar-laden dice-o-matic. Is there any way we can just rename you Cap'n Mouth Dynamite or Cap'n Serrated Squares?
Ummm... delicious, you are just what I want for breakfast, Cap'n Crunch, a nice helping of mouth sandpaper. For lunch, I think I'll finish the job with a piping hot pizza whose sauce will burn whatever you manage to leave behind unscathed. And then for dinner, I can drink some vinegar. Ummm... delicious.
Just because it's called breakfast doesn't give you the right to actually break me.
Fact: Cap'n Crunch used to be call Serg'n Splinter....
but was upgraded in military rank for its extreme mouth-destroying skills