The Way Seniors Wear Their Pants

Dear The Way Seniors Wear Their Pants,

I don't know why. I only know that it's okay.

If you weren't so polite, always tucking the shirt, we may not have even noticed you. But we do, pretty much every time. There's nothing shy about wearing pants at the belly button and sometimes well above it. You seem to center on the gut nicely, squaring a sagging torso, halving a crouched figure. On second thought, I will venture a theory as to why: the lower the belt, the harder it is to fasten. Way to be, senior pants, way to make things easier. You are to style what those over-sized phones and remote controls are to the good life.

There's a large percentage of the population that can't keep its pants up, and you have been showing us how to do it for a very, very long time. Those kids need to take note: high pants don't go out of style, that's why seniors are still able to roll them... after all these years.

Thank you for showing us how it's done,

The Fash-cientious

The Hot Girl I Didn't Approach

Dear Hot Girl I Didn't Approach,

You had me at "____"... because we never talked. That was the problem.

Maybe we would have gotten married. Maybe we could have shared a moment. Maybe it was meant to be. Perhaps, our children would have been beautiful. Yeah, they could have been the kind of kids that are so attractive talent scouts pop out of the fireplace during dinner and kidnap them to cast them for hit TV shows... and then they would get famous and addicted to cocaine by the age of 6 and end up suing us. All of these things could have happened... but they didn't and it's all your fault.

Of course, maybe it wouldn't have been a great experience. Maybe it would have been memorably awkward, a disaster that would have been retold for generations. At least something would have happened, though -- but it didn't! And it's your fault that it didn't happen, too! Exclamation points!!! If you had been slightly less attractive I might have had the gusto to approach you. Shame on you, hot girl. Shame on you and the genes you probably got from your parents, or more specifically, your Mom, because you didn't look that much like a man. Shame on you and shame on your Mother and shame on your Father for courting your Mother.

I will never see you again. Even if I do, I probably won't recognize you because as of this writing, it's been some hours since I saw you and can't remember what you look like -- just that you were hot. That may or may not be a help in the future. The next time I see someone who is really hot, I will pretend it is you and we can do this "I'll consider approaching you but then won't thing" all over again.

Until then,

The Guy Who Made Eye Contact With You for One Half Second Today

19th Century Beards

Dear 19th Century Beards,

There was a time when the people went West, where the land was cheap, the gold was free, and the wilderness untamed. The only thing you needed was a great beard (though an ax was helpful, too). Lets face it, if you went West without a beard, you were as good as dead. One, it was warmer. Two, it adds forest cred when you run into bears. It is a statistical fact that bears are 57% less likely to eat people who wear beards. Back in the day, they didn't even call them beards, they called them BEARds.

And so, you -- 19th century beards, came to be the greatest generation of all beards. Back then, there were mutton chops that could actually chop wood. People think Abraham Lincoln was a great orator, but according to most historians, the reason the Gettysburg address proved to be successful that day was not an attribute of what Lincoln said but the way Lincoln's beard looked. If he had shaved that morning, the South would have won the war. Thank you, nineteenth century beards... for freeing the slaves. It's only a matter of time before civil rights leaders take note, and you get your own national holiday like MLK Jr.

Sincerely,

Modern Beard Envy

NBA Player Names

Dear NBA,

Per capita, nothing competes with your collection of fantastic names. To name a few:

Sonny Weems
Samardo Samuels
DeMar DeRosen
Royal Ivey
Jamario Moon
Thaddeus Young
Jerryd Bayless
Jrue Holiday
Pops Mensah-Bonsu
Kryrlo Fesenko (Krih-lo Fah-sank-o)
Quincy Pondexter
Von Wafer

Your archive of retired player's names is stacked... Anfernee Hardaway... Fat Lever (FAT LEVER!!!)... Muggsy Bogues... and my all-time favorite, Sarunas Marciulionis (Sha-Rhu-Nus Marsh-a-lone-us) Even your All-stars have great names: Carmelo... Chauncey... Shaquille... Amar'e... Baron... .

NBA, you are more than an organization of sporting professionals, you are a catalog of the greatest names in World History. Who needs a baby-naming book when you have a basketball roster right in front of you? No one does.

Thank you.

PS - I dedicate this post to my future children: Pops, Thaddeus and Samardo

Public Showers at the Beach

Dear Public Showers at the Beach,

You are my favorite place to shower in public. If it wasn't for you, I'd bring too much of the beach with me home, and I'd rather keep the beach where it is. Environmentalists speak of erosion, but I think a lot of beach "erosion" is from 300-pound men rolling around in the sand and accidentally taking a pound of it home in their back hair. I don't know what it is about sand, but you add it to sunblock residue and body hair and your skin just invented another recipe for glue. Fact: when carpenters want a smooth finish to their furniture, they ask un-showered beach-goers to sit on or cuddle with their wooden chairs and benches for a bit. If some beach people don't want to shower in public or they think your water's too cold, that's their prerogative. But if none of us had an option, that would be a disaster. Which is why we all want to thank you, public showers at the beach. We think of you just as highly as any other shower, even if you are the only ones we wear swimsuits in.

Sincerely,

The Beach Community

the Kids I Played Heads-Up 7-Up with

Dear Kids I Played Heads-Up 7-Up with in School,

It's time I came clean. I'm a cheater.

Remember how I got 65 people in a row one time? I wasn't a third-grade God. Far from it. Allow me to explain the method. Hiding in my arms with open eyes, I looked over the edge of my desk at your shoes as you touched my thumb and then I'd look at your shoes as you stood in front of the class and pin point you via footwear. What about when you touched me from way behind? I used mirrors, cameras, spies... whatever it took, really. One game I hypnotized a kid to get him to talk. You probably don't remember that because I then had to hypnotize the rest of the class and the teacher to make them forget. It's not something I'm proud of.

I come from a long line of Heads-Up 7-up champions. My Dad and Uncle were All-Americans. My grandmother's nickname was, "that lady really good at heads up 7 up." My great-grandfather even invented 7-up. My great-great-great-grandfather invented heads. Before him, people didn't have heads, just skulls, history often forgets about that but it's true, look it up. There was a lot of pressure on me to keep up the family tradition. I'm not trying to make excuses here, but at the same time I am. Okay, that's exactly what I am doing. But if you had been in my shoes you would have done the same thing. You should have been in my shoes regardless because it would have made it harder for me to pick you out if you had changed shoes mid-game.

Reluctantly,

A disgraced champion

Justin Bieber, of Bieber Fever Fame

Dear Justin Bieber,

Please stop spreading the Bieber fever. It's an epidemic.

I know one girl who got Bieber fever, now all the paint in her room is ruined because she put up too many posters and did it very hastily. Who's going to pay for that, Justin? Are you? I sure hope so. I surely do. But this isn't just about ruining paint, this is about America. I've been told you are from North North Dakota, sometimes called Canada. I don't like it one bit. And I'll tell you why.

All the sudden Bieber fever comes --from the great north-- as we inch closer to socialized medicine, which came from.... the great north. Coincidence? Not likely. I don't care what you think about socialized medicine -- we all know it leads to longer lines at the ER. Now, look what happens. Bieber fever strikes right as the lines at the ER hit record lengths, people can't get treated fast enough, and people start dying right there in the hospital waiting room. I've seen it happen with my own two eyes. It's a subtle plan - come to our country to spread a fever while simultaneously weakening health care's infrastructure. Baby, baby, baby, ohh? Yeah, you better start singing to the babies while you still can. At the rate you are killing little girls with your fever, pretty soon there won't be any more babies in this country, which is exactly what you wanted, wasn't it?

Go back to North North Dakota.

Sincerely,

Bieber Fever Vaccine Seeker