Girls' Night Out

Dear Girls' Night Out,

Well played.

There is no aptly named male equivalent. Man party? Dude gathering? Sausage fest? The only images conjured are negative ones. The implication clear -- girls didn't want to hang out with us... we couldn't get dates... this party sucks.

You on the other hand, Girls' Night Out, seem organized and exclusive. You've got your stuff together. I don't really know what you do, but I imagine it's a super fun time that involves trading tampons.

Yes, the men may have a better slogan, Bros before Hoes. but you have the better hangout name. In fact, men don't even have a name. And until they do, they don't have a chance.

Sincerely,

Stuck at a Dude Party

Annoying Neighbors

It's time for another excerpt from Mr. Forthright, whose latest manual is How to Get Your Neighbors to move. We pick it up during his chapter "Moderate Intrusion."

Moderate Intrusion

-- Making Your Presence Felt --

Welcome to moderate intrusion, the next level to getting your neighbors attention and getting them out. And when I use the word intrusion, I mean intrusion.

What is intrusion? Let’s break down the word.

In-trusion. In obviously connotes that we’ll be going into something. If we rearrange the letters of trusion, we quickly learn that it spells iruston. Iruston, or I-rust-on, means that a person speaking in the first person is rusting, or corroding, on something. Therefore, intrusion means that someone corrodes into something else. What is being corroded on or, if we take a more literal definition, in? Privacy. When privacy corrodes, it is being stripped of its material and structural integrity. Now, what helps things corrode and rust? The answer is moisture. Just as water leads to rust in the scientific world, water is an important part of privacy invasion.

For example, your neighbor may own a pool. One of mine does. Do I have a pool? Yes, diving board and everything, but I don’t use it. I prefer to use my neighbor’s pool. Why? Liability. If I drown in my neighbor’s pool, it’s his fault. If I drown in my own pool, I have no one to blame but myself.* Why would you swim in a place you’re liable when a place somebody else would take the blame is right next door? Most neighbors don’t want me to use their swimming pool. That’s why I don’t ask. It’s easier to say, “I’m sorry,” than it is to say, “Mind if I drown in your pool?”

*unless I die while playing Marco Polo, in which case I can blame him

Once your neighbors realize you aren’t going to heed their wishes and stay out of their pool, they’ll likely build a fence around it. But no worries, water can come into play again; flash floods destroy fences .

Never underestimate the power of too much water too soon. Where possible, try to embrace flash floods. See if they can’t help you tear down the barriers that are keeping you out of your neighbor’s yard.

I don’t believe in fences. Fences treat symptoms instead of the cause. Sometimes I let nature take down fences for me, and sometimes I facilitate nature and speed up the processes of time by doing some demolition of my own.

-- FACT: I build bridges, not walls, in part because I flooded most of the neighborhood --

All it takes is a few hits with an automobile and most fences can’t stay upright. Why would I want a fence between me and my neighbor? All fences do is prevent me from borrowing their things and make my efforts in the neighborhood watch program slightly more difficult.

I’m all about borrowing things. And you should be, too. It’s going to make your neighbors angry, sure, but one of the overlooked benefits of borrowing things is that you then never have to buy things.

Do I own tools? No. And I’m not in the market to buy any. People on my street have already done it for me. In fact, I don’t even own a television -- I just watch my neighbors, as should you.

“But how do I make sure my neighbors let me in their house to watch TV?” I hear you asking. You don’t ask. I don’t. And even if they don’t let me in, I can watch through the windows. I have a remote that can control their television from incredible distances. It has a six foot antenna. Yes, it is illegal. I had it specially made in Russia. It may have not been cheap, but it’s way cheaper than buying a television and paying for cable.

I steal that family’s wireless Internet too, and why wouldn’t I? There’s plenty of bandwidth to go around.

-- FACT: Bandwidth = Bandobesity

Bandobesity = Fatmusician

Fatmusician = Elvis

...There’s plenty of Elvis to go around --

I want you to be borrowing as much stuff as possible. Borrow tools, borrow food, borrow cars and borrow kids if necessary. If there’s a “Bring Your Kid To Work Day” at the office and you don’t have any kids, you might as well share in some of the neighborhood’s wealth.
Hey, you have to put up with their noise, so why shouldn’t you at least benefit from them every once in while? Yeah, I am advocating kidnapping. Get over your negative feelings about it. It’s not the evil it’s been made out to be, trust me.

Parents these days sometimes forget how to be parents, instead wanting to be friends with their kids. That’s why I admire kidnappers -- those are parents who aren’t afraid to play the villain. And have you ever met a kid raised by kidnappers? They’re usually very well behaved. I stole a kid once. Really cute kid. His first words were, “you’re not Daddy.” When he was older he asked me, “not my Daddy, where do babies come from?” I told them most came from unattended grocery carts.

So, what am I getting at? Let’s stop being so judgmental. Just because a parent adopted their child doesn’t make that kid any less theirs just because they hadn’t given birth to it. Likewise, just because a child is stolen doesn’t mean he or she is any less their parents’ little angel.

Anyway, when I’m not borrowing my neighbor’s children....

Continue reading's Mr. Forthright's How to Get Your Neighbors to Move here

Dieters

READERS: My friend Mr. Forthright sent me another excerpt from one of his books -- How to Lose Weight Through Hibernation, here's the part where he talks about how exercise made him fat. Check out the book by clicking the link here.

-- The Problem with Exercise --

Let me tell you my story. Ten years ago I was a lot younger than I am today. Around that time, I was what doctors like to call: morbidly obese. In other words, I was about to die from my own girth. I weighed around 900 pounds, and that was without shoes on. It was a precarious situation; my bed frame had to be custom made. Custom is, in fact, an appropriate word; the steel needed to fortify my bed posts passed through customs because it was imported from Russia, the only country that made steel strong enough for my obesity.

How did I find myself in such a predicament? It all started with a cycle I couldn’t break.

Years ago, when I weighed just 200 pounds, I decided I was unhappy with the way my body looked. I was bombarded on television and in magazines with images of the “ideal” body, and I was not that “ideal” man. I was average. And so, in pursuit of a good body, I decided to start exercising.

I had heard my entire life that exercise was the key to weight-loss. But here’s the thing they don’t tell you about exercise: it makes you hungry. Really, it does. Of course, they don’t want you to know that.

All that moving around can really take it out of a person. One minute you are running, the next you are craving deep-fried butter. Did you know that most gyms are owned by fast food restaurants? It’s true. They know that as soon as they can get you exercising, they can also sell you a double-double. Thus began my vicious cycle of exercising and then overeating.

The more I exercised, the more I ate. The more I ate, the more weight I gained.

Being the fool I was at the time, I thought the solution to my growing frame was more exercise. So, I exercised even more. But that was not the solution. EXERCISE MADE ME FAT. I went from two hundred to three hundred, and then pretty soon I was up to four and then five hundred pounds. I was losing the battle with my own body.

Those were difficult years. I became ashamed of the way I looked and rarely left the house, instead choosing to do a thousand sit-ups in the privacy of my room (and then binge on potato chips). I tried everything. P90X? The name proved prophetic -- my P (pounds) were X (multiplied) about 90 times. The Bowflex? After a month I had gained so much weight the machine’s bench was the only thing flexing. Nordictrack? I don’t have anything clever to say about the name and how it related to how much fatter I got, but let’s just say I was much too big to ever fit on a chair lift and go actual skiing. I’d stay up late, watching infomercials and making the seven, six, five, just four(!) easy payments to buy new machines while working out on the ones I already had for hours on end. But it only got worse.

I remember hitting rock bottom. I ran a desert marathon at a shade over eight-hundred and fifty pounds. As you might expect, I didn’t make a great time, on account of my weight, but I did finish. But to have the energy to finish, I ate over sixty PowerBars on the run. By the end of the day, I had gained over fifteen pounds. I went home and looked in the mirror and didn’t even recognize myself. If I had known what I know now, I would have stopped exercising that very moment. But I didn’t know any better. I was an ignorant fool. And so, I kept going.

Sure, my family tried to get me to stop. “We’re worried about you,” they’d tell me, “you’re so active.” But it was to no avail. I was an addict to my own destructive behaviors. And like I already mentioned, I was pretty close to dying, exercising myself to the grave.

But then something fantastic happened. I fell asleep.

****

You can read the entire book by Mr. Forthright by clicking here.

Creative Types

NOTE TO READERS: The following is an exclusive excerpt from the brand-new book by Mr. Forthright, "How to Make It in Hollywood: A Guide For the Delusional."

****************************

- Step Six: How to Copy Creativity -

On the Value of Plagiarism

Creativity is learned through the rigorous imitation of other forms of art.

People think Michelangelo’s Sisteen Chapel was pretty good, but most people don’t even realize that the entire thing was traced using that really thin paper after a trip to the Fifteen Chapel. While some people think that fact takes away from the grandeur of the work, it only adds to my personal respect for the artist.

Look at it this way. If you are so creative that you aren’t copying something else, people won’t know how to interpret or understand it. Everything is viewed through the lens of what has already been experienced. The mere act of creating requires that we have something there to begin with, some type of raw material. The best raw material is not original at all, it is something else that has been done. Therefore, you’re much better off producing Land Before Time 13 instead of Really Original Movie A because no one is going to understand Really Original Movie A. They also won’t see it because it has a really terrible name. “But what about Land Before Time 1? That was original, right Mr. Forthright?” you say. Nope. It was based on the history of Dinosaurs, which is not original at all. History is not original, as it usually already happened. Land Before Time 1’s unoriginality was the key to its success. Its originality was the catalyst of its sequels.

Unoriginality is the only real originality. If you remain unconvinced, let’s go a little further this time.

Wealthy Producer Advises:

“$equels! $equels! $equels!”

What is creativity, anyway? Let’s look at the roots of the words. “Creat” and “ivity.” The letters of “creat” can form a number of other words, including CAT, EAT, ATE, RAT, and RECAT. If you EAT or ATE a CAT you would be RECAT-ting, which is the art of turning one form of a cat into another. “Ivity” implies the process of continually RECAT-ting. Thus, creativity is the method of converting something into something else that is very similar, or more simply put, the process of digesting felines.

This explains both the popularity of sequels in the industry and the abundance of cats. Ultimately, cats and sequels are the essence of being creative. This is why a sequel of a movie featuring the king of all cats, Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride made gobs of money despite being released directly to DVD. It was the essence of creativity. On a related note, it’s probably one of the ten best movies ever made.

To makes things easy on you, I’ve RECATTED a CREATIVITY checklist. If your idea(s) meet these requirement, they are hence deemed to be sufficiently creative:

- The work is eerily similar to something else that was highly creative
- The work can pitched by saying: It’s _______ meets ________
- The work is universally understood
- The work features at least one character who eats cats
- The work is a sequel or has a sequel ready
- The work adheres to the steps outlined in this work
- The work does not question the steps outlined in this work
- The work thanks the author of this work
- The work has checked this checklist

If anything at that list jumped out at you, it might be because you are fighting the natural creative juices inside us all. Please don’t fight back. There’s a story inside of you that needs to get out, but in order to do so it needs to be very similar to something else. Remember this and you will be fine.

Reader question: What can I do about writer’s block?

Answer: Writer’s block occurs when a writer runs out of ideas. However, it’s nearly impossible to run out of ideas when you are taking other people’s ideas. Writers who suffer from a lack of ideas are clearly trying too hard to think. They need to be spending more time reading other people’s work and borrowing the worst of it. Once you have gotten to the point where you have already stolen everything, you need to start stealing from yourself.

In your own path along my guidelines toward creativity, you’d do well to study the most successful movies. Blockbusters are the best examples of creativity in the market, as evidenced by their financial success. (And if you disagree with that, you’re a communist*).

*This isn’t an asterisk, it’s a red star, comrade.

A Self-Imposed Deadline

Dear Self-Imposed Deadline,

Could you maybe just cut me a tiny bit of slack just this once? I know, I know... you've let me off the hook before, but I mean it this time. I'm going to respect you more in the future. I promise.

I just don't know what I was thinking when I made you. At the time, you seemed like a good idea. Seemed like you wouldn't be a problem. But you know how things get sometimes...

I was really meaning to meet you, I swear I was... sure, I got a little distracted, maybe didn't focus like I should have, and then, one thing led to another. It's a hard thing. Sometimes I get so carried away meeting other deadlines, the ones other people set on me, that I forget about you.

Anyway, maybe you can loosen up this time. I'd certainly appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Deadline Imposer

People Flipping Out About Christmas Intruding on Thanksgiving

Dear "No Christmas in November" Fanatics,

Calm. Down.

Why do you care if somebody listens to Christmas music in November? Or if a store decorates for Christmas right after Halloween? What does it matter if people want a season instead of a day?

What do you want them to do? You want them to dedicate their Novembers to Thanksgiving? You want them to have a tree in the house and throw a bunch of dead turkeys on it? Thanksgiving is a day. It's meant to be just a day. It's not a season! We're all grateful one day of the year and then we can go back to our decadent, over-the-top gift-giving and commercialism that Christmas alone provides us. The holidays have to adjust to the times. Gratitude is out and surprising-your-spouse-with-a-new-Lexus-with-a-red-bow is in.

Bam. That's a holiday I can get behind for more than month. Step up your game, Thanksgiving. If you don't want to get run over, stay off the railroad tracks.

Look, if you want people to respect Thanksgiving, make Thanksgiving earn it. I'm talking about Thanksgiving not just being a day I wake up, eat too much and watch television -- I'm talking about a day with a mythical fat man who comes down the chimney. I want a bunch a good Thanksgiving movies, including at least one with Will Ferrell. I want thanksgiving music and I want more football games, more food, and yes, some presents.

I want a holiday that does more than simply remind me of when pilgrims gave the Native Americans small pox. "Here Indian, please accept this blanket I just sneezed in," I can hear a little pilgrim boy saying. That's not a stocking-stuffer, that's a death sentence.

Sincerely,

The Christmas Spirit

The Guy Behind Me Honking

Dear Guy Behind Me Honking,

There's somebody in front of me. Instead of hitting that car, I have chosen to remain in this current spot on the road. I am sorry this inconveniences you and has put me in between you and your destination.

I wouldn't blame that car in front of me either, though. There's a car in front of them. And there's a car in front of that one to. Notice how it goes on as far as we can see? In many countries, we call this phenomenon: "traffic." One of the interesting things about traffic is that honking does not help its dissipation. If honking was an actual aide to the situation, I would gladly join you and your community of honkers. Alas, I fear that you are doing nothing. The roof is leaking and you're sandbagging the perimeter of the swimming pool.

When you're in a line at the grocery store, and there's twenty people in front of you and one register open, do you just start yelling out? "GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!" And how's that working out for you? Does that speed up the cashier? Is that moving people through that checkout any quicker? I'd imagine not.

Stop being a nuisance to public roads.

Sincerely,

The Rest of Us

Cap'n Crunch

Dear Cap'n Crunch,

Thank you for ripping the roof of my mouth to smithereens.

Cap'n Crunch, you are the cheese grater of cereals. Sometimes I tell myself, "my mouth is feeling a little too smooth" -- and that's when I go to you, my sugar-laden dice-o-matic. Is there any way we can just rename you Cap'n Mouth Dynamite or Cap'n Serrated Squares?

Ummm... delicious, you are just what I want for breakfast, Cap'n Crunch, a nice helping of mouth sandpaper. For lunch, I think I'll finish the job with a piping hot pizza whose sauce will burn whatever you manage to leave behind unscathed. And then for dinner, I can drink some vinegar. Ummm... delicious.

Just because it's called breakfast doesn't give you the right to actually break me.

Sincerely,

My Mouth

Fact: Cap'n Crunch used to be call Serg'n Splinter....

but was upgraded in military rank for its extreme mouth-destroying skills

Epicanthic Folds

Dear Epicanthic Folds,

I wish my eyes had you.

Why:

1. Sleep. I have a hard time falling asleep. It's called insomnia. It's the worst disease ever -- with all the other diseases they tell you to get some rest... with insomnia, it's not so easy. If my eyes were already naturally closer to being shut, things would likely be a lot easier for me. I'm guessing.

2. Positive Stereotypes. Is there a race with more positive stereotypes? Asians are smarter. Asians are good at math. Asians are good at Dance Dance Revolution. Okay, DDR isn't really a positive stereotype, but still, it's not that bad.

3. Karaoke. It wouldn't seem so weird that I do kind of like Karaoke.... at least watching it.

Sincerely,

My Eyes

GIFSoup

Human Tetris has nothing to do with this letter. Nothing

Little League

Dear Little League,

I remember the year the coaches stopped pitching and the kids started pitching. That was the year I started getting hit with the ball. And then I started being afraid of the ball.

I think my batting average went from .759 to about .195, a precipitous drop to say the least.

Or maybe it wasn't the kids pitching that threw me off. It could have the slow abandonment of chants, such as "Hey, Batter Batter, Hey Batter Batter, Swing" or "First Base Look at Me, I'm a Monkey in a Tree," and of course -- "We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher!"

Yeah, on second thought, I think that was what it was.

Sincerely,

Little Leaguers Just Like Me

Spanish Soap Operas

Dear Spanish Soap Operas,

Thank you for showing us the limits of human drama. You are to story and plot what the speed of light is to physics -- you can not be surpassed or exceeded. If I want to write a story that is crazier than a Spanish Soap and I succeed, the universe would explode or something. (I don't understand science.)

Father's cheating on Mothers with children's spouses' pets? Only you can do that.

Children in wheelchairs regularly falling down wells? Not out of the question.

Elderly serial killers with never-ending sexual appetites? Go for it, Spanish Soap.

Thank you for never letting believability get in the way of a story,

James.

PS - Because I speak Spanish ([upsidedownexclamationpoint]DE VERDAD!) I decided to dub some Spanish Soaps to give those of you who don't understand the language some perspective on what I'm writing about:

Women's Shoulder Pads

Dear Shoulder Pads,

Thanks for making it harder for me to get a job.

When I used to go into business interviews against women, I always thought my broad shoulders presented my most distinct advantage. But once you came around, I lost my edge. Damnit.

Shoulder pads, you really level the playing field. Sometimes I see people, thinking, "I don't think that women has the testosterone she'll need to survive in this business environment," but then she puts on a blazer and those exact same people are like, "never mind."

Curved shoulders are cliche. Straight shoulders are straight up awesome.

Thank you, women's shoulder pads, thank you indeed.

Sincerely,

Fashion

Terrorists

Dear Terrorists,

I know your strategy. Instill fear, make us nervous, scare us. If we are afraid, you win. If I am afraid to fly... you win.

That's why I'm not afraid to fly. In fact, I fly all the time. I even crash the planes I fly (which is easy because I'm not a trained pilot) just to prove that I'm not afraid of flying. I do it regularly. Nothing phases me anymore, terrorists. I refuse to let you win.

And that's why I'm not afraid of a pipe bomb under my car. How do I know I'm not afraid? I put a pipe bomb under my car just last week. NBD. You hear that? NBD. I'm not afraid of blowing up in my vehicle because I've already been down that road. Baby, that don't phase me.

Do I fear the public water supply being contaminated with biological weapons? Let me answer that question with a question of my own: if I was afraid would I poison my own neighborhood's water? Of course I wouldn't.

Sorry terrorists, but this is one battle you can't win. I have no fear.* Your tactics will not affect my life.

However, I do need to find a new car... and go to the hospital... and find a way to pay for those planes.

Sincerely,

The UnTerrorizable Man

*Literally, I own the shirts.

Bloggers In Search of Awards

Congratulations Bloggers,

You have each just been awarded the:

Yes, the BLOG EXISTS AWARD! Who gets the Blog Exists Award? Only the best blogs that exist, that's who.

So, if you are a blogger, and your blog exists, here's what you do to claim your prize:

1. Right click and save this meticulously-designed button award and post it on your blog.

2. Give me free publicity.

3. Repeat No. 2.

4. Give out the Blog Exists Award to everybody you know who blogs.

Pretty easy, huh? Not only that, but it's a lot of fun!

The next time somebody "leaves little something for you at their place"*... you can only hope it's this award. There are hundreds of other fictional blog awards out there, but this is the only one that's been designed by yours truly, and thus, the only one that benefits me, and thus, the only one that matters.

Sincerely,

Committee for the Awardmentation of Blogs That Exist Everywhere

*Anyone else a little creeped out by this phrase? If somebody said this in the movies, I'd expect the character who "went over to their place" to get shot or raped.

People Considering Bowling

Dear Bowling Public,

The perfect score in bowling isn't 300.

Scoring 300 would imply that you bowl often, and bowling often is bowling too much. The perfect bowling score is about 130. That means you don't bowl very often, maybe once or twice a year, which is certainly not enough to get really good. And bowling rarely, if ever, that's perfect.

What do I have against bowling? It's just another one of those sports (see: badminton, tether ball) where being a winner is pretty close to being a loser. The sports are fine as rare recreation, but once you start taking those sports seriously, you start losing my respect.

Demetri Martin once remarked, ""I heard this guy say to his friend, 'Man, I'm really good at checkers.' Which is the same as saying, 'Man, I'm not good at a lot of things. I stink at everything except checkers.'" Sorry bowlers, you are the checker players of the sports world.

So, you want to get a perfect score?

Don't shoot for 300, bowling public.... perfection has never been so flawed.

Sincerely,

James

Now That's What I Call Music!

Dear NOW!,

Will you ever stop?

You're up to Volume 39 (39!) in the USA... Volume 79 (79!) in the UK... you've even put 23 damn albums in Portugal. Leave the Portuguese alone! They have enough problems as it is.

We get it; you and your obnoxious exclamation points are really successful... people purchase you. But 79 Volumes? Is that necessary? Your absurd number of Volumes is starting to appear condescending and arrogant. Please, give it a break, Now That's What I Call Music!

It seems that your musical mission is to catalog every overplayed song, combining them for a final assault on my ears. Take a decade off. Come back in the 2020s if you must, but I'm currently weary of your ways.

Being the best of the worst doesn't make you great.

Sincerely,

All Exhausted of Pop Music

South Sudan

Dear South Sudan,

A belated congratulations to you, the newest nation on earth. Now that you've been a country for a little over a month, allow me to make a suggestion: a name change.

South Sudan? Really? That's not very creative, and that I say, is a bad way to start your history. We already have Sudan, but you're better than them (remember how you broke off?), and you need a name to prove it. When you take your name from your former country, and simply put a cardinal direction in front, you are giving us reason to think you aren't as good, that you are just another appendage country.

If you are going to put Sudan in your country name, grow a pair and do something bold by calling yourself: Better Sudan, Newer Sudan, or Verified on Twitter Sudan

But that's not your only option. According to Wikipedia, your capital is Juba. That would have been a good country name. Juba -- it rolls right off the tongue and into places my imagination dreams to go. Some of your other city names: Rumbek, Yambio or Raga would have been sick, too. Or how about something interesting like Country? That would be hilarious. Would I ever forget a country named Country? No, I wouldn't; I would applaud it vigorously.

Sincerely,

Map Glancers Everywhere

Drug Free Zones

Dear Drug Free Zones,

Thanks for keeping cocaine out of our parks and putting cocaine where it belongs: just outside of our parks, across the street. I know I don't want marijuana near our schools; I prefer that it be kept to the neighborhoods not nearby our schools.

Without you, Drug Free Zone, we would not know that we can't have drugs in certain places. True, drugs aren't technically allowed anywhere, but it is nice to reinforce the concept. Since I home-school my fictional children, I have made my house an official Drug Free School Zone, sign and all:

No drugs in my house are allowed. I am also making my house a:

- "Murder Free" Territory

- "Rape Is Not Okay" Place

and a

- "Music Sharing Does Not Violate Copyright Law As Long As The Artist is Dead" Joint

And let me tell you, ever since I put up said signs clarifying my position on already illegal activities, rapes and murders in my house have plummeted. If you want to take your rape and murder outside my house, so be it, but it will not be tolerated as long as you are under my roof. Oh, and don't ever forget: no drugs either.

Sincerely,

Keeper of the Grounds

My Appendix

Dear Appendix,

It's about time you got off this ship. Look, my body doesn't give free rides to organs that don't pull their weight. If you don't believe me, just ask my extra kidney. On a Monday I heard I didn't need two - on a Tuesday I pulled that sucker out. When I found out I could live with one lung, I sent the right one packing.

So am I glad you started screaming, making you presence known, buckling my abs? Yes, yes I am. I was tired of pulling your lazy butt through my life, anyway. Your infection just expedited your eventual exit. You're like a little brat at Disneyland, crying on vacation. Hey little brat, we didn't have to take you on this trip - in fact, we'd be enjoying ourselves more if you weren't here. Don't think for one second we need you; you're an expendable parasite.

Same goes for you, organs. So you better get with the program because this train waits for no one.

Sincerely,

My Body

1 of 3 scars that almost look like tribal tattoos

Texters

Dear People Who Text,

There are times to text and times to not text.

- You should never text at a party, because that is rude, unless you are texting, 'this party is so much fun I can't text you anymore.'

- You should never text while driving, because that is dangerous, unless you are texting, 'I'm driving so I can't text you anymore.'

- You should never text while driving your car into a lake, because phones aren't waterproof and the warranties don't cover that sort of damage. When you go to your wireless service provider and try to tell them it just broke, they will take off the back cover and show you that the sticker changed color. Then you're screwed.

- You should never text a land line, because that does not work, unless the land line you are texting is some type of telegram/morse code thing, because maybe that would work.

- You should never text someone who does not own a phone, because then they can't text you back, and that's just plain mean. Likewise, you shouldn't text someone who does not have fingers, as it may seem like you are gloating.

Sincerely,

Committee for the Advancement of Texting Decency and Etiquette

Extreme Sports Inventors

Dear Extreme Sports Inventors,

Let's be a little more creative. I haven't seen many new, truly extreme sports for quite some time.

For example: Baseball. Do we ever see extreme baseball? No. How can we make it extreme? Let's make it free base cocaine ball, and every player has to play while high. Doc Ellis threw a no-hitter on LSD, so I can only see this improving the game. Or how about instead of regular ice skating and ice hockey, we start having guys play on black ice.

Here are some more:

Whirlwind Surfing

Whirlwind Surfing would take wind surfing into hurricanes and other dangerous ocean weather, creating probably the best sport of all-time, unless we start seeing:

Mudslide Wrestling

Finally, all the sluts can get on the extreme sports bandwagon. Quick everybody, this hill is about to collapse due to torrential rain, let's organize the greatest wrestling match ever seen.

Volcanoe-ing

This sport would take the pedestrian sport of canoe-ing and make it awesome by simply putting it in an active volcanoe. I'm not into most paddle sports, but I'd watch this.

Come on, sports inventors, get your act together.

Sincerely,

James

CAPTCHA

Dear CAPTCHA,

I can't read the words. But even if I could, is this what separates me from a computer? I always thought it was something more, like:

- my sense of humor

- ability to go swimming and not short-circuit

- that I hate vacuuming

- acne

Could we incorporate some of those tests to determine that I'm not a computer? The only thing I have in common with machines is that we both hate CAPTCHA.

Sincerely,

A Real Person

SSG Dewayne Pittman

Readers: I'm breaking away from my usual format of publishing one open letter to publish a series of real correspondence I had with a certain"SSG Dewayne Pittman" in December of 2010. I hope you enjoy it.

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Wed, Dec 22, 2010 at 5:59 AM

Subject: From SSG Dewayne Pittman

From SSG Dewayne Pittman,

I am SSG Dewayne Pittman, an active American soldier serving in Iraq,

I am serving in the military of the 1st Armored Division in Iraq, as our mission here is highly exclusive due to insurgents everyday and car bombs are attacking our peaceful mission here.

We managed to secure funds from the war zone. The total amount is US$ 23 Million dollars in cash.

We want to move this money out of this place,this place is a war zone, so that you may keep our share for us till when we will come over to meet you.We will take 70%, my partner and I.You take 30%.

No strings attached, just help us move it out of Iraq, Iraq is a war zone. We plan on using diplomatic courier and shipping the money out in a large box, using diplomatic immunity.

If you are interested I will send you the full details, my job is to find a good partner that we can trust and that will assist us. Can I trust you? When you receive this letter, kindly send me an e-mail signifying your interest including your most confidential telephone/fax numbers for quick communication also your contact details. This business is risk free.

The box can be shipped out in 48hrs if you want to handle the deal with us as brothers.

Should you be interested, please contact me,so we can commence all arrangements and I Will give you more information on how we would handle this project.

Respectfully,

SSG Dewayne Pittman

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: SSG Dewayne Pittman

Date: Wed, Dec 22, 3:24 pm

Subject: Re: From Dewayne Pittman

Captain Pittman,

I will help on one condition: you go to this website: www.facebook.com/littlejohncomedy, and click 'Like. When you have done this, return and report. Thank you for your brave military service!!!

Sincerely, Graham

-

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Thu, Dec 23, 2010, 12:56 AM

Dear Graham,

I am a soldier and I am giving you this total blind trust because I am used to risk and I wish that you send me a scanned copy of your id card to guarantee my blind trust on you. You have to know that I have so much exclusive duties here to handle that is why i have not been able to handle this issue. and I need to ship this fund out of this country as soon as possible so that I can concentrate on my duty post.

We cannot go for bank to bank transfer because of the origin of the money and as American soldier on war duty. Our activities are highly limited based on the military code of conduct of the USA we soldiers are not permitted to our personal transaction while on duty post. I have been into the American war force for many years.

I wish to inform you that this is not my first experience in diplomatic shipment. Many times we have secured valuable items in the war zone and the only safe way of securing such item is through diplomatic shipment.

The diplomatic shipment I will pay for the deposit fees and arrival clearance fees here before the box will depart.

I want you to know that you are dealing with a force man and assure you that the diplomatic shipment will be safe for us. During departure, I will buy a diplomatic Tag with my name and the diplomatic yellow sticker will be placed on the box and that is also called non inspection sticker, no air port authority or security agent has the right to inspect or stop any diplomatic item.

I have made some verification through the diplomatic courier company delivery directory and I was informed that there is no direct flight to any other country.

This is an international UK diplomatic company which carries diplomatic vessels for overnight delivery to anywhere in the world. All consignment to any other country must be transited through London.

Because of my duties and the military code of conduct, as soon as the box departs Iraq, I will no longer be directly involved. Based on my past experiences and information giving, there shall be another purchase of a new diplomatic tag to cover the transit departure of the box from London air port and its arrival in your country air port.

The diplomatic non inspection sticker which I will purchase here will expire in London as soon as the box arrives there for transit and because they will change to another flight, you will have to request for another non inspection tag because you shall be contact from their UK regional office at the air port as the beneficiary to schedule the delivery date and time.

You must remember to request the diplomatic tag from their UK regional office and it will cost you less to buy. Without you requesting for it, the diplomat will continue the transit and we will have problems at the arrival point in your country because the previous tag has expired and the air port authorities will inspect the box.

This project is for your benefit and myself that is why we must work as partners to secure this money and you must send me a scanned copy of any form of your id card to guarantee my trust on you pending my arrival in your country any time as soon as I am out of my duty post for a leave.

I do not have much time because this place is a war zone and I need to make this shipment as soon as possible.

As soon as i know your position as regards to this shipment, i will make the deposit the same day for the departure of the box to your house.

Put away fear and everything will be fine. let us work as one family and achieve this goal.

Thanks

Best Regards SSG Dewayne Pittman.

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: SSG Dewayne Pittman

Date: Thur, Dec 23, 4:53 pm

Subject: Re: Re: From Dewayne Pittman

You need an ID card? What kind of ID card? I have an expired Library Card from the City of Orange but it doesn't have a picture on it. However, my name is clearly signed on the back, and it has a bar code, so that's good. Would you like me to scan this card and send it to you?

I pray for your speedy reply,

Bill (I usually go by Bill, not Graham, in official matters)

-

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Fri, Dec 24, 2010, 3:05 AM

Dear Graham,

The way you sound in your mail shows that you are not serious over this matter.Please am serious over this matter and not joking.If you know you are ready to work with us in this project,go through the second mail i sent to you very well and decide if you are to work with us or not.Again i need your valid identity card with your picture inside because it will help to register your informaion to the company as the receiver of the box.

I will be waiting to hear from you again.

Regards.

Sg Pittman.

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: SSG Dewayne Pittman

Date: Fri, Dec 24, 4:32 pm

Subject: Re: Re: Re: From Dewayne Pittman

Sg Pittman,

I'm definitely serious because the amount of money at stake sincerely interests me. I would like to help, for the right amount. I will send you the ID card if you agree to give me half of the money. then we will get serious about this.

Thank you, James (no longer going by Bill)

-

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Dec 25, 2010 at 8:43 AM

Dear James,

Now i know that you are not serious,how can you demand for half of the money.You can forget about the issue,am not joking with you.

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: SSG Dewayne Pittman

Date: Dec 25, 2010, 3:49 pm

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: From SSG Dewayne Pittman

Do you have a counter offer? I'd consider taking 35%

-

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Sun, Dec 26, 2010, 6:29 AM

Ok

Lets go ahead what we need is the surcess of this transcation,i can even compensate more than that if you keep the box very well untill we come over in your country.So go through my second mail very well and get back to me with the demaded details,because i will like to give you more informations on how to secure this fund in your country.

Thanks.

Regards.

Sg Pittmlan.

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: SSG Dewayne Pittman

Date: Dec 26, 2010, 5:28 pm

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: From SSG Dewayne Pittman

Sg Pittmlan,

I can't find your second email in my inbox. It must have been deleted accidentally. Please resend the specific details of what I need to do.

Thank you, James

-

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Mon, Dec 27, 2010, 12:57 AM

Subject: Read carefully/ From SSG Dewayne Pittman

Dear James,

Here is the second mail i sent to you.so go through it now and get back to me as soon as possible.You need to receive this box before thusday this week in your country.Go through it very well and send the demanded details.

&nbs p; &n bsp; Here is the mail.

*************************************************************** *************************************************************

I am a soldier and I am giving you this total blind trust because I am used to risk and I wish that you send me a scanned copy of your id card to guarantee my blind trust on you. You have to know that I have so much exclusive duties here to handle that is why i have not been able to handle this issue. and I need to ship this fund out of this country as soon as possible so that I can concentrate on my duty post.

We cannot go for bank to bank transfer because of the origin of the money and as American soldier on war duty. Our activities are highly limited based on the military code of conduct of the USA we soldiers are not permitted to our personal transaction while on duty post. I have been into the American war force for many years.

I wish to inform you that this is not my first experience in diplomatic shipment. Many times we have secured valuable items in the war zone and the only safe way of securing such item is through diplomatic shipment.

The diplomatic shipment I will pay for the deposit fees and arrival clearance fees here before the box will depart.

I want you to know that you are dealing with a force man and assure you that the diplomatic shipment will be safe for us. During departure, I will buy a diplomatic Tag with my name and the diplomatic yellow sticker will be placed on the box and that is also called non inspection sticker, no air port authority or security agent has the right to inspect or stop any diplomatic item.

I have made some verification through the diplomatic courier company delivery directory and I was informed that there is no direct flight to any other country.

This is an international UK diplomatic company which carries diplomatic vessels for overnight delivery to anywhere in the world. All consignment to any other country must be transited through London.

Because of my duties and the military code of conduct, as soon as the box departs Iraq, I will no longer be directly involved. Based on my past experiences and information giving, there shall be another purchase of a new diplomatic tag to cover the transit departure of the box from London air port and its arrival in your country air port.

The diplomatic non inspection sticker which I will purchase here will expire in London as soon as the box arrives there for transit and because they will change to another flight, you will have to request for another non inspection tag because you shall be contact from their UK regional office at the air port as the beneficiary to schedule the delivery date and time.

You must remember to request the diplomatic tag from their UK regional office and it will cost you less to buy. Without you requesting for it, the diplomat will continue the transit and we will have problems at the arrival point in your country because the previous tag has expired and the air port authorities will inspect the box.

This project is for your benefit and myself that is why we must work as partners to secure this money and you must send me a scanned copy of any form of your id card to guarantee my trust on you pending my arrival in your country any time as soon as I am out of my duty post for a leave.

I do not have much time because this place is a war zone and I need to make this shipment as soon as possible.

As soon as i know your position as regards to this shipment, i will make the deposit the same day for the departure of the box to your house.

Put away fear and everything will be fine. let us work as one family and achieve this goal.

Thanks

Best Regards

SSG Dewayne Pittman.

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: SSG Dewayne Pittman

Date: Dec 27, 2010, 2:17 pm

Subject: Re: Read carefully/ From SSG Dewayne Pittman

I don't think that's the one you sent me before. Are you sure? It looks different.

-

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Dec 28, 2010, 2:03 am

Dear James,

Look am serious not joking right! you have to decide if you are going to work with us or not.

Thanks.

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: Dewayne Pittman

Date: Dec 28, 12:05 pm

Subject: Re: Re: Read carefully/ From SSG Dewayne Pittman

You were right - I reread it and you'll be happy I was also able to find the old second email and they are the same. I apologize. How are things in the war zone? I feel like we don't talk as much as we used to, like we are growing apart, and this worries me.

I am attaching my ID card. It is a very large file though, so please tell me if you don't get it so I can retry sending it.

Thank you, Jim

-

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Dec 29, 2010, 3:17 am



Dear James,

Listen to me as i told you before that am not jonking,i did not received any id or address e.t.c from you.Please if you know you are not serious to work with me,let me know than to waist my time.Now you have gone through the mail very well,this is only way we can move this box out from here.

Send all the details i demanded from you because is very important to register to the company as the receiver of the box.

Thanks and hope to read from you again.

Regards.

Sg Pittman.

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: Dewayne Pittman

Date: Dec 29, 2:18 pm

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Read carefully/ From SSG Dewayne Pittman

Dewayne, I am sending the ID card and information tomorrow night, when I have an internet connection. My internet isn't working right now.

-

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Dec 30, 2010, 1:29 am

Dear James,

You are trying to insult me because i contacted you.Is not fult,i will not tell you anything but in GOD WE TRUST.

Thanks.

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: Dewayne Pittman

Date: Dec 30, 6:11 pm

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Read carefully/ From SSG Dewayne Pittman

As promised, I have attached my ID CARD

-

From: SSG Dewayne Pittman

To: James Littlejohn

Date: Dec 31, 2010, 3:42 am

Dear James,

I can see that you are a comedian,you send me id right?Please no need of repeating my word everytime go through all my mails you will understand all the details i need from you.Do that fast because we are delaying this project and again you are not serious over this matter.

Thanks.

Ssg Pittman

-

From: James Littlejohn

To: Dewayne Pittman

Date: Jan 1, 5:41 pm

Mr. Dewayne Pittman, I was disappointed to see that you have stopped writing me. Then I remembered you were in a war zone and maybe you died. I have alerted the US Army. Using digital tracking software they were able to find where you have been sending emails from; they said you were not in Iraq, but they would not tell me where. I said you were probably hurt and should hurry up to get there, and they said they would be sending "authorities" to the city you have been sending the emails from and would be able to help you if you are hurt. They also said one time this happened but it turned out the guy who had been saying he was from the Army turned out to not have been a soldier but a liar and they caught him and threw him in jail and tortured him, but I assured him you were not like that guy and that you really were in the Army and needed help securing the box with all the money. The amount of money seemed to interest them so they said they are already on their way.

James